Going on antidepressant…

Last Thursday was my appointment with the psychiatrist. I shared with him the feelings and thoughts that I had over the past few weeks .

As it went on, the doctor first concluded that it was my job that’s making me depressed. And that I should quit first, develop the skills I need for the next phase of my career and move on.

Yes, my intuition is telling me that. But another part of my mind is demanding that I don’t be so stupid and focus on securing some kind of safety net before I do it. This back and forth between what I desire and what I fear is holding me in place and I couldn’t find a way out.

And as the session went on, it became clear that I’m also feeling anxious constantly especially when I have to do something new or when there’s something new in my life. And that anxiousness can get so overwhelming that it also hold me in place.

Towards the end, the doctor asked me what I think of my current depression. I told him that it was much more severe than before. I even had suicidal thoughts with detailed plans. He agreed after reviewing the notes he had written. This is when he asked if I want to go on medication to see if it helps with my mood. I said yes because I really didn’t want to struggle with this constant emotional pain. He gave me a choice between taking meds to help me sleep or taking another to help with the mood.

I chose to stabilise my mood.

So with that, the doctor shared that there are different kinds of antidepressants. I told him about the Fluoxetine prescription a GP gave me days prior to the appointment. I had taken that for a few days without any obvious side effect but I did stop it because I don’t feel like there’s much changes. He shared that it would take at least a month before it start to work and concluded that I should continue with that medication.

And it’s been four days since I started taking it. I will update once I feel like there’s some more changes to my life or mood.

New writing project

Severe depression may have gotten me down for the past few weeks and I am now relying on antidepressant to get through my day.

But even mental illness didn’t stop the fire that is the passion for writing.

I want to grow as a writer and it doesn’t matter if I’m growing horizontally or vertically.

As a result, I just started a new blog, called The Crying Nature, that will be focusing on wildlife, environmental and climate issues.

Thinking…

Thinking is good.

It demonstrates that your mind is still working.

It allows you to be creative and come up with solutions to problems that you face or potentially will face.

It shows that you are a human, smarter than the animals living on this planet.

But what if the process of thinking is broken?

What if it runs on a loop, displaying images or bringing forth feelings or experiences that you hate? Your days ruined. Your relationships destroyed.

Then you start thinking…Maybe your mind is broken?

Or not?

It goes on and on.

What if you done that?

Or what if you said that?

Maybe…just maybe…

Stop!

What are you doing? Why are you wasting time and energy on that?

It’s time to ask yourself…

Can you channel that energy you spend thinking in a loop into solve the world’s problems instead?

How much more productive can you be? How much more effective you will be?

A glimpse of what’s next in life

For most of us, we faced the question of what do we want to be at the age of around fifteen to sixteen. However, our teenage minds are still struggling with insane amount of pubertal hormones and making the right decisions. That means, it’s virtually impossible to know what one wants to do in the future. And in Singapore, we can delay that decision until we finished and passed the GCE ‘O’ levels examinations. Not that it’s a particularly long delay. Only then, we can choose to continue on with GCE ‘A’ level or go with tertiary education.

Students who decide to choose either the Institute of Technical Education or Polytechnics for their tertiary education face the dilemma of what to specialise in. And most of my friends that I know did not continue to develop a career based on their chosen course of study.

I was one of the few exceptions. I went with information technology, developed a whole set of skills related to software design and development. Then I continued on with a degree program in Computer Science. After graduating, I developed a career as a software engineer for the next five years. All in all, I have done ten years worth of software design and development.

During that period, I show a lot of enthusiasm for coding and software. I read up a lot, have my own pet projects, etc.

And as of late, I came to realise that software engineering is no longer what I want to do anymore. The sheer amount of changes in terms of programming languages, frameworks and development toolkits overwhelmed me so much that I gave up. There are also many other reasons that could have contributed to pushing me into this stage in life.

That feeling of being stuck at a crossroad was terrible. It caused me a great deal of angst, worry and confusion. My workload recently has also increased dramatically that I felt like I no longer have any control over my life anymore. Combine that with my decreasing interest in software development and a very demanding boss meant my workday is really miserable.

It went on for two months until something in me finally snapped. At least, I think that’s what it is. I slipped into severe depression, at least according to the doctor who saw me, and I know I’m not out of the woods yet. Still pending a consultation with a psychiatrist and counselling by a psychologist. On the surface I may look like I have it all under control. Deep down, the turmoil is real. Certain triggers can remind me of how trapped I am and caused my mood to swing dramatically. I found myself on the verge of tearing up and break down so many times. And at work, when the stress or amount of tasks get high enough, extreme anxiety sets in and I find myself feeling really scared. There were also countless suicidal thoughts that intrude when I’m by myself.

And the worse part now is that because of the US-China trade war caused by an unstable man-child sitting in the White House, the world’s economy slowed down dramatically and Singapore is particularly hard hit, causing the confidence of most businesses to dip dramatically. And I can see it affecting my ability to secure a new job or do a career change. I feel like it’s virtually impossible now and is worsening my depression.

In spite of all that, I caught a glimpse of what I could be doing next. Even though I’m reserved and quiet by nature, I found myself serving as the middle man, translating ideas and thoughts or simplifying questions presented by my colleague, who’s a highly technical person, into plain English that my boss could understand. I admit it caught me off guard initially but I knew how to seize subsequent opportunities to do the same thing again.

What’s more, during the times when I’m lucid and not so emotional, I spent the time to distill what kind of work am I really looking for. Took me a while to settle down on wanting to give digital design and marketing a try. On the surface, it looks like it’s a good direction for me and I think it’s a great starting point for me to develop a writing career…

D-Link Covr 2202 Mesh WIFI initial Review

How often does your device lose connection to the internet when you enter a spot in your home despite you having bought and setup a powerful WIFI router somewhere in the middle?

It’s frustrating, right?

Now, that’s just the reality of WIFI technology as radio signals do have a hard time penetrating walls or other objects. It’s just physics.

And this is a problem that mesh network technology is here to solve. Mesh network technology is basically the use of multiple connected network devices to provide consistent WIFI coverage for a large area and eliminate blindspots. And when the connected device move from one area of the house to the next, the mesh network knows how to pass the connection to the router that provide the best connection.

In this review, we will be looking at D-Link’s latest WIFI mesh network product for home users, the Covr-2202.

The Covr-2202 is a tri-band WIFI mesh networking product that uses two units to cover 550 sqm of space with WIFI signal. Unlike the dual-band implementation found in other WIFI mesh solution, the Covr-2202 uses a third 5Ghz WIFI band for communication and data exchange between the two units. This frees up the 2.4Ghz and 5Ghz bands for devices to use to connect to the network. This means the connected devices can still stream 4K content, handle large downloads and browse the web without any drop in performance.

The marketing material and the specifications made it to be the WIFI solution to go for. But those weren’t the reasons that I got it.

For me, I got the device because it was an alternative purchase. Initially, I was looking for the Asus Blue Cave WIFI router to replace my previous Asus RT-AC68U WIFI router. I wanted something nicely designed that will complement my new desk, perform well and take up less space. The three antennas of the RT-AC68U were just ugly.

And if Apple didn’t discontinue their networking products and make new ones, I would have gone with their AirPort-series of networking devices.

Sadly, according to the salesperson, Asus Blue Cave was discontinued. He suggested that I go for Covr-2202 because it costs about the same, won awards and performs better. During the conversation, I asked about the Covr-1203 because it looked interesting and fulfilled my requirement for a small router. It turns out the performance wasn’t as good and was an older generation, which kind of defeat the purpose of buying a new WIFI router.

Before I made the purchase, I asked to see the physical product. Lucky for me, there was a display set on hand and the salesperson showed me what it looked like. I find myself liking it and made the decision to buy.

Unboxing

This is the box after removing the plastic. I got to admit it definitely look enticing and cool when compared to other networking products sold by other companies. Most networking companies don’t really bother with making nice packages.

Once you open it, you are greeted to the following sight.

Now that definitely remind me of the packagings used by certain brand of cosmetic products. And after you remove the cover, the two Covr-2202 units greet you. They are welcoming you to take them out of the box.

The white overall and the bronze-like band at the bottom definitely complement my desk that features light wood colour with white metal struts.

And the small size definitely help freed up more space on my desk that I can use for other purpose. Overall, my desk just look less cluttered.

Installation and set up

Router installation and setup is really easy and simple.

Within the box, D-link provided a small card containing instruction on where to download the their official WIFI mobile app. When you launched the app, it comes with instructions that you can follow step-by-step to install and power on the device.

At a specific stage of the setup process, the app will ask for the network name and passwords. You can do it manually or scan the QR code located on the small card. However, it is advisable to set a different network name and password after the setup process is completed.

Although I encountered some issue during the setup process due to my lack of understanding how mesh networking works, I was able to recover from the mistakes and redo the whole setup again within minutes. This is definitely helpful for those who are mostly clueless about networking and simply needed their WIFI up and running in no time.

Performance

My home subscribes to 1Gbps fibre broadband. Therefore, it’s important that we can maximise our use of the bandwidth if not it would be a waste of money. Compared to the old Asus router, the WIFI performance of this new router is so much better. On WIFI alone, I’m able to achieve download speeds that’s more than 500mbps and upload speed of slightly more than 300mbps. And that’s taking into account the overall residential broadband bandwidth tend to be lower since many people are home and using the internet.

With speeds at 500mbps, I can watch YouTube video or Netflix with relative ease and no lag. And I do have at least 5 other devices connected to the same mesh network. So the performance is definitely there.

So for the price I paid, I would say it’s worth it.