Daily Journal – May 31, 2017

This is my 66th journal.

Today was a pretty lull day for me. In a way, it’s a good thing. Tomorrow I will be on a paid leave and I already planned to visit the doctor.

I spent most of my time trying playing with ForgeRock OpenIDM 5 trying to get it to reconcile in users from Active Directory and trying to provision users. I encountered issue with the LDAPS. I shall put it down for a bit and look at it with fresh eyes later.

After that, there was a code review session with my colleague on the UI application that my other colleague and I built over the month.

Found some more bugs and I will fix them before deploying it for testing again.

I don’t really have much to write for today. I’m just mentally exhausted.

Here’s a video on Docker Compose that I was watching while writing the journal.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Daily Journal – May 30, 2017

This is my 65th journal.

Remember that I mentioned my boss said the doc looks good in my previous journal? That stance was subsequently reversed because on deeper reading, it’s missing out on consistency, content flow, and had a lot of formatting issues.

It’s seriously starting to feel like nothing I did seems to be of any value to the company or to my boss. I tried one thing, I failed. I tried another thing, I failed again. These few months is all about my failures and I hadn’t really seen any success.

Spending sometime to review it does show that I seem to have an inability to absorb whatever he said. Either that or I’m not putting in the extra effort to actually apply what I learnt…thinking more…now it really does look like I didn’t internalize it.

I am also not discounting the possibility that it is my ego that prevents me from learning. But I doubt so.

There is another possibility. It could be I’m refusing to learn. But is it? I won’t say no. Because there are some actual scenarios in my life. Despite me saying wanting to learn iOS development, work with docker, etc. I hadn’t really done so.

Then, it could be that I’m no longer thinking like a sponge. I no longer absorb new information like I did when I was younger. But I suspect it may be a mentality problem rather than a neurological problem.

In addition, there is another flaw that my boss pointed out. I’m too reactive, never really think about a particular comment or statement made by him and see if it is valid or if there is a counter-argument. But most of the time, I won’t say he’s wrong cause I really don’t know enough. And why I don’t know enough? I didn’t ask enough. So it’s my fault again. I should ask more questions. Now even if I am not aiming to be a consultant, as a specialist, I still need to be able to ask the correct question. Otherwise, how the hell am I going to derive the correct answer? So asking questions is at the core of everything.

And before I forget, I seem to lack the ability to see from another perspective or empathize with another person…because I am self-centered. This point has been raised a lot of times by my friends…and I still hadn’t got around to fix it. So I only have myself to blame.

Now I want to fix all those. If only there is some kind of drugs to reprogram my brain to fix all the flaws. Reality check. No such thing.

I pressured myself to fix all the issues and now find myself drowning. I still feel like if I don’t fix it fast, I can’t be of any use to anyone. I will just be wasting everybody’s time and money. The company is better off hiring someone who is more like a sponge, has the technical capabilities, can change perspective, and knows how to ask the right questions.

Anyway, before going home just now, I did talk to my manager about it. I shared my struggles, what I think are the problems at that moment in time, and offered some potential solutions. There is no point and it doesn’t help anyone to keep it to myself. That’s one thing I did learn and remember.

And lately, I also read up on adult ADHD. I’m not a health professional to make that judgement about myself but based on the information that I have gathered so far, it does seem like I may have it. Then combine with the fact that I do suffer from mood swings and anxiety issues.

And now I’m reading up on Emotion Deficit Disorder.

Anyway, I will be seeing a doctor about my struggles this Thursday.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Daily Journal – May 29, 2017

This is my 64th journal.

Today is another day where I got scolded…more like harshly reminded…about the 5% extra effort by my boss. Again, he’s been using the idea from the book “Making Small Changes 5% More To Achieve Extraordinarily Results”, which I briefly mentioned about in my last journal.

My boss was asking for the finalized developer guide. I sent him the one I did a few weeks ago and I was under the impression that what I had done was good enough until my boss told me otherwise. Wrong versioning, unnecessary content, and asking the wrong kind of question.

Well, all I can say is that I’m burnt out from all these. I’m trying my best to learn from my mistakes but because they happened so often these days and in turn I received more scolding…it reached a point where I don’t feel happy working anymore. Of course, there is the perspective change. Looking from another perspective, my boss is trying to push me into a leadership role and to take on more responsibility. It is important from personal development perspective. It’s all about becoming a better person that has value to the organization or any other companies that I decided to join. This will also allow me to command a higher salary. Somewhere deep down, there is this feeling of, ”Hmm… not that I’m particularly interested in being a manager or a leader actually”. But let’s see how it goes.

Anyway, back to the developer guide. I spent nearly the whole day trying to perfect it, which again is unnecessary because I should be faster. I should already know what is required and what’s not. Anyway, I finally sent out the guide to my boss at around 6.30pm after a heart-to-heart talk with my manager. We shared mostly about how I have been doing and how I find everything so far. We also talked about the problems and issues faced by me. Well…so far so good. My boss did email me back saying the guide looks good.

So I left office at around 7.30 and reached home at around 8.25pm. I went to the nearby Watsons to get some drugs for gastric issues. Since last year, I developed an increasingly gassy gut and the general feeling of hunger. I hadn’t gone and see the doctor for it yet. Since I will be taking a day off this coming Thursday, I’m thinking maybe I should use the chance to see a doctor about it.

For the remaining time until my bed time at 11.30pm, I shall proceed to do some writing for my novel. I started a new writing project earlier this year but hadn’t been dilligent enough.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Daily Journal – May 28, 2017

This is my 63rd journal.

I decided to make today an extremely chill day and just be lazy but then I also did some light work.

For most of my morning and afternoon, I spent them on watching 12 Monkeys season 3. As I watched the show, I did some light reading of some news, and cleaning up my computer. I meant it by files. I also moved some of the files around and sort them into proper folders. Then in the evening, I also paid some bills.

Recently, I bought two books from Book Depository. In the past, and occasionally I still do, buy my books from Kinokuniya Singapore. But it is known that the prices they charge for books can be quite expensive. Therefore, a friend of mine, upon hearing where I get my books, suggested that I go to Book Depository. It has far cheaper books and has free shipping to almost everywhere in the world. So for those of you who like reading, I highly recommend you get your books from this site.

The first book is “Domain Driven Design” written by Eric Evans. I have already read it briefly last year but it was the copy belonging to my previous company. Having my own copy allows me to reference it as and when I need it. If you are like me, who likes to ensure that software are design and build in accordance to what the domain experts are saying, I highly recommend that you get this book.

The next book is “Making Small Changes 5% More To Achieve Extraordinarily Results” by Michael Alden. This is book was introduced by my current boss. The gist of it talks about how a person putting 5% more effort and time, he or she can deliver quality. It also talk about how habits take up to 66 days to change and how you shouldn’t force change drastically. Otherwise, you will burn yourself out. The best example is weight lost. Think about those poor sobs who tried to lose several Kilos in two weeks only to give up compared to those who slowly reduce their calories and exercise incrementally and finally achieving the result that they want. I bought this book because I want to improve myself. I want to be better than what I was. So anyone who are into self-improvement and have a growth mindset, you should read this.

It’s getting late. I should probably sleep early.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Daily Journal – May 27, 2017

This is my 62nd journal.

Today is the official opening of the first Apple Store in Singapore.

I met up with my friend at Jurong East MRT station at around 11am. Boarded the train and we made our way to Orchard Road. Once there, we joined the queue and it took about maybe 15 or 20 minutes before we are inside. Upon going in, we were greeted by excited staff who gave us high-fives.

We were given door gifts. The first is a t-shirt. Below is the image of the box. I haven’t open it yet as of writing this journal.

Then there is also a sticker.

That sticker, I’m gonna stick it on my MacBook Pro.

Once in, you can see that the stores has the futuristic vibe to it. Ignoring the crowd, the wood material on white furnishing looks great.

On the first level is where people get to try out the various products and the second level is simply a gathering space for people.

Well, I didn’t take a lot of photos but below are the couple that I did take on the second floor.

Oh, I love the trees in the store. It make the place look great. I don’t think there are any stores in Singapore that actually use actual trees.

See the massive screen there? There are chairs in front of it for people to sit in when they participate in Today at Apple events.

While at the Apple store, I went to buy a black Nike strap for my Apple Watch.

Then my friend and I made our way to Sushi Bar where I had Kaisen Chirashi Don. Basically, it’s a big bowl of rice with a mixture of Tamago eggs, scallops, and three slices of different kind of sashimi — Salmon, Tuna, Swordfish and Yellowtail. I personally prefer swordfish because of the texture. Then there is the generous amount of Salmon Roe. Sorry, no photo for this one.

Then we took a bus to the Art Science Museum at MBS where we bought tickets to the Human+ exhibition. It is about how we humans augment ourselves through the use of prosthetics, talked about how we interact with nature, how robots may make us feel and interact with us, the rise of automation and genetic modification.

There are some pictures that I took and here they are (not in any particular order):

And here is Nadine, a robot that knows how to interact with a human in a socially capable manner. It was developed by Nanyang Technological University.

After the visit to the museum, I bought a t-shirt and a notebook. Then we made our way to a Häagen-Dazs store located at the Esplanade where we had ice cream. I created my own ice cream dish — two scoops (Belgian Chocolate, Chocolate and Banana), one waffle, and powdered Oreo topping.

With that, we made our way home. Then after resting for a bit, I went for a run. For dinner I had Subway.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Daily Journal – May 26, 2017

This is my 61st journal. 

Today is another hectic day. Had to rush to develop a user guide, touch up on the api gateway UI and deploy it to the customer’s development server. 

Well, this is a true test of how well I can handle the stress. So I manage to successfully deploy the application hosting the UI connecting to the api gateway and finish by 9.05pm and then left office. 

Well, I’m out with a friend. 

So… until next time.

Here I conclude my journal for today. 

Daily Journal – May 23, 2017

This is my 58th journal.

Today, it was a final review of the API Management Portal. During the review, my boss is catching me on missing out the 5% more details of the app. E.g. Validation of data input, Information to user on certain data fields, etc.

In all seriousness, it’s been already so long at the company and I still make these kind of mistakes. To think that I come from a mostly full-stack developer background who also build frontend and I missed out all these validation stuff? I’m asking myself. How many times must I make the same fucking mistakes? When will it ever get into my thick skull to always think of the user when developing. Sooner or later, I will find myself fired for repeating this stupid mistakes.

Another issue raised was my seemingly lack of reading up, studying and implementing industry standards of how to do things like OAuth2, etc during my personal time. My boss was saying I should be doing all those during my free time. 5% more effort only he said.

I guess it’s my fault for deciding to watch tv shows, movies, play video games during my free time instead of doing all those technical work.

Anyway, as of this time, I’m still cleaning up the codes of the management portal and adding all the necessary validation. I personally don’t feel like continuing to do this anymore. So I hope this is done by tomorrow.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Daily Journal – May 22, 2017

This is my 57th journal.

Monday. It can be considered a Tuesday in many highly competitive companies. Sunday is the new Monday. That’s what I experienced for the past few months. My Sunday, especially, the evening, is now used for me to start working and think ahead what I need to do for the rest of the week.

Anyway, today was me presenting the API portal to boss and it is still in a serious beta mode. Functions are not working. User Interface is still pretty shaky.Had some feedback from boss and he’s expecting the final version tomorrow. If I fail to deliver, I only have myself to blame and will receive another round of thrashing down.

Well, I did try to give out instructions as clear as I could. I guided my colleague as much as I humanely could while still doing my other tasks, which in hindsight is practically minor tasks.

Anyway, I did work from 0915 to 12am for the past week or so (the hours are including lunch, dinner, shower and traveling) and I’m feeling tired? I dare say my endurance is extremely low. Must be because of the lack of exercise. Or maybe I’m just not cut out for this line of work. All I can say at the end of the day is, I tried my best.

Enough of me wasting time here. Back to work.

Here I conclude my journal for today.