This is my 48th journal.
Today is Vesak Day, public holiday in Singapore. However, I don’t feel particularly restful or that it’s a good day to relax. My mind as of late has been about what’s my progress is like so far. The constant thrashing down by my boss because of my bad habit and skill gap is taking a toll on me I guess. I’m trying to move forward by evaluating what’s truly wrong with me. I did that with my journal yesterday.
Early in the morning, I was focus on trying to do more additional discovery related to installing application on Centos without internet access to hope to prepare myself and make up for my mistakes I made concerning the Kong discovery work earlier. But somehow I gave up after a while because I realized I simply don’t have enough information about the final environment. And the best part is, I’m tasked to ask about the final environment previously, like two days ago and I didn’t!
Again: Where is my ownership of the assigned task?
Nope, no ownership on my part.
But is that the real problem? Or am I suffering from burnout? Or was it that I’m lazy and don’t give a shit anymore?
I think it could a combination of all the reasons and that’s a bad thing.
Anyway, later in the afternoon, I made my way to Jurong Point again to have my lunch and would be watching Alien: Convenant with my friends at around 1645. So I walked around for a bit, got a Grande-sized Cold Brew (my favorite drink actually) and met up with them.
So the movie was pretty good. Fair amount of action, panic scenes and the appearance of the aliens.
After movie, my fiends and I met up with another friend of ours and we went for dinner. We had Seoul Garden and sat there for more than 2 hours before we made our way home. We spend most of the time eating and catching up.
So I reached home at around 2230. I decided to check on an example that I made in my company lab for the presentation tomorrow. It was a quick one but I had concerns about whether it’s sufficient to get the message across—basically to clear up one very simple misunderstanding. Seeing how badly I have been doing lately, I’m troubled by that simple presentation. I don’t know if it’s enough. I have simply lost my confidence.
Oh, there was another thing that came up during the sharing sessions with my friends. It appears that my second, freelance job is actually holding me back. It’s taking up so much of my brain power.
And now I finally identified what was the problem. I’m spending 80% of my effort to solve a non-existent problem. Best part is, I don’t get paid for it. So why am I doing it? The client won’t be able to see it cause there’s no effects from it. And if I break anything, I will have to fix it.
So I have decided that there are two routes. I can stop the refactoring work and focus on delivering actual features or enhancement that they want and charge them properly or I can terminate the contract. That way, the amount of time that is freed up can be spent on other things. And I can say I will free up to 20 hours of my time each month. This in turn will allow me to rest properly and not think about my side job. I can focus on my main job, delivering quality work.
Let me evaluate carefully first before I make the final decision.
Here I conclude my journal for today.