Daily Journal – May 30, 2017

This is my 65th journal.

Remember that I mentioned my boss said the doc looks good in my previous journal? That stance was subsequently reversed because on deeper reading, it’s missing out on consistency, content flow, and had a lot of formatting issues.

It’s seriously starting to feel like nothing I did seems to be of any value to the company or to my boss. I tried one thing, I failed. I tried another thing, I failed again. These few months is all about my failures and I hadn’t really seen any success.

Spending sometime to review it does show that I seem to have an inability to absorb whatever he said. Either that or I’m not putting in the extra effort to actually apply what I learnt…thinking more…now it really does look like I didn’t internalize it.

I am also not discounting the possibility that it is my ego that prevents me from learning. But I doubt so.

There is another possibility. It could be I’m refusing to learn. But is it? I won’t say no. Because there are some actual scenarios in my life. Despite me saying wanting to learn iOS development, work with docker, etc. I hadn’t really done so.

Then, it could be that I’m no longer thinking like a sponge. I no longer absorb new information like I did when I was younger. But I suspect it may be a mentality problem rather than a neurological problem.

In addition, there is another flaw that my boss pointed out. I’m too reactive, never really think about a particular comment or statement made by him and see if it is valid or if there is a counter-argument. But most of the time, I won’t say he’s wrong cause I really don’t know enough. And why I don’t know enough? I didn’t ask enough. So it’s my fault again. I should ask more questions. Now even if I am not aiming to be a consultant, as a specialist, I still need to be able to ask the correct question. Otherwise, how the hell am I going to derive the correct answer? So asking questions is at the core of everything.

And before I forget, I seem to lack the ability to see from another perspective or empathize with another person…because I am self-centered. This point has been raised a lot of times by my friends…and I still hadn’t got around to fix it. So I only have myself to blame.

Now I want to fix all those. If only there is some kind of drugs to reprogram my brain to fix all the flaws. Reality check. No such thing.

I pressured myself to fix all the issues and now find myself drowning. I still feel like if I don’t fix it fast, I can’t be of any use to anyone. I will just be wasting everybody’s time and money. The company is better off hiring someone who is more like a sponge, has the technical capabilities, can change perspective, and knows how to ask the right questions.

Anyway, before going home just now, I did talk to my manager about it. I shared my struggles, what I think are the problems at that moment in time, and offered some potential solutions. There is no point and it doesn’t help anyone to keep it to myself. That’s one thing I did learn and remember.

And lately, I also read up on adult ADHD. I’m not a health professional to make that judgement about myself but based on the information that I have gathered so far, it does seem like I may have it. Then combine with the fact that I do suffer from mood swings and anxiety issues.

And now I’m reading up on Emotion Deficit Disorder.

Anyway, I will be seeing a doctor about my struggles this Thursday.

Here I conclude my journal for today.