Daily Journal – Jun 12, 2017

This is my 75th journal.

Today’s entry is a much longer one as I will be doing breakdown of issues that people have raised about me. I have to note the importance of fixing these issues. If not, they are limiting my growth potential especially when it comes to my personal and professional life.

The first point raised is actually related to mental endurance. It is related to stress tolerance too.

To start, I admit that a large portion of my life has always been, I would say, sheltered. I am lucky that way. Whenever there is adversity or problem that I encounter, I tend to give up. Therefore, never quite achieving the “wins” if you know what I mean.

I have to note that this “giving up” did appear from time to time when I was studying for my “O” levels or when I was studying for my Diploma. But the stakes were high enough that I powered through them and achieve the results that I want and got myself into university.

I suppose my drive for achieving what I want waned after I entered army. In my case, those two years took away my love for many things. Then came university and it was all down hill from there. The transition from army to studying mode was too much for me. I suppose it’s related back to my lack of mental training during army. I suppose it’s because it was pretty smooth sailing for me with recoverable hiccups.

Anyway, from time to time, throughout these past decades or so, I have the tendency to feel sorry for myself, pity myself, and prevent myself from getting out of the comfort zone. It creates a vicious cycle that drastically limit my full potential. Thinking back, the first time the inability to get out of comfort zone rear its head when I finished my “O” levels and was looking for a job to last me until my diploma course started. I had a short stint with a retail store until Chinese New Year of 2005 and that was it. I couldn’t find any jobs because I was too picky and thus never fully developed myself.

Then there is the issue of me not being a team player. I will admit it. I have always been self-centered. As a result, I inadvertently bring more problem to the table.

So far, it does look like I have my plate full and it is not humanely possible to fix them all at one shot. Endurance, basically, mind over body can be trained through more physical activity and pushing yourself through despite adversity. Self-centeredness, that is a much harder problem to tackle. I suppose baby steps to fix it too.

Next up, as far as I can remember, I always have this innate desire to read up on things like medicine, astronomy, science, and technology. However, these things, as people say, won’t bring in the money because they are too broad and useless in your professional career. Unless, I am Leonardo Da Vinci but he did die penniless right?

But does it mean I should give up all on these interest? I don’t think so. However, the problem is that I no longer have any interest or the time in reading up these things anymore. Thinking harder on it actually reveals the actual root cause: Poor time management and task execution. Sigh.

Another thing raised was that no one knows what I want anymore. My company is unable to put me in any place. Projects are left hanging. I myself also don’t know what I want anymore. From a management point of view, I’m just a drain on company resources.

Thinking more on it made me realize it’s actually relate back to willpower and mental strength. To reiterate, I gave up on a lot of things because I lack the drive, inability to get out of comfort zone, and endurance to see it till the end.

There are a few examples.

I took a final year specialization in Game Development in Polytechnic. I finished it scoring pretty well but I didn’t proceed to get a job or do anything remotely related to games anymore. I was irrationally afraid of trying to join a non-local game company.

I took a final year specialization in High-Performance Computing for my degree. I didn’t do too shabby either but I didn’t proceed to join related competitions or attempt to apply for a job in those areas. Reason? I felt inadequate and again, irrationally afraid.

I actually finished writing my first novel but it never got published because there wasn’t any publisher locally that does science-fiction. I didn’t dare to try overseas publishers. Again. Due to my feeling of inadequacy and irrational fear. So what happened to that novel? I discarded it.

Anyway, after writing all these, taking an hour plus to do so, the two main questions I have to ask myself is:

  1. What do I want in my professional career
  2. What should I do or fix in order to achieve some resemblance to mastery in my professional career

Here I conclude my journal for today.