This is my 86th journal.
I am not even sure if I did enough things today to warrant writing this journal.
Last night, I tried to sleep early but I don’t think it was a quality sleep. I woke up again in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall asleep until around maybe it was 4 or 5am.
*Oh, come on, it’s a freaking public holiday.*
I guess my mind or body somehow knew it was a Monday and I’m supposed to go to work.
I did manage to force myself to play through a couple of hours of Prey in the morning and managed to tune out work from my mind. Then I went to play a few rounds of Plague Inc. and I didn’t quite manage to complete a mission. Got distracted by something else and the thought of work surfaced again.
In the afternoon, I decided to go and get some lunch. Went Jurong Point for that. Then I went to get a drink from Coffee Bean. Starbucks today had a surprisingly long queue. During the time that I was waiting for the bus, I did some writing. A couple of lines for my short story. At least, I guess, it’s better than nothing.
I guess some self-reflection is in order.
I did spent quite some time thinking about certain things, especially how my neuroticism is affecting my life. I also know that I’m a scanner (a term introduced in the book, Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams by Barbara Sher) or also known as a multi-potentialite but my neuroticism is holding me back, preventing me from seeking out new experiences.
I also know that I’m not empathic at all. I lost count of the number of wrong decisions, statements or comments that I’ve made that hurt someone I know.
Now I wonder if it’s because I simply didn’t take the effort to actually get to know someone, feel, and care for someone that I am like this.
Maybe it’s because of some deeper problems? I can’t be sure but maybe listing them down will help.
First possibility: Is it because of my neuroticism that is taking away the mental capacity for empathic acitivities?
Second possibility: Is it because of me being a scanner/multi-potentialite that I fear commitments?
Third possibility: Maybe it’s both.
Fourth possibility: Maybe it’s because I’m an impatient person that I can’t be bothered to figure out how to make a relationship work.
Fifth possibility: Maybe it all three.
I think the only way to know for sure is to take the effort to try to get to know someone, love the person for who he/she is and commit to taking care of that person.
I don’t know if would change me but will it kill me to do so? Not really.
Side note, I uploaded the short story that I submitted for Golden Point Award 2011. You can read it here.
Here I conclude my journal for today.