Journal #140 – It’s one of those days

Yesterday I was feeling rather hype. I was optimistic. I was having more energy than usual. I was accepting of whatever that comes.

Went to bed.

Woke up.

Now I felt like today is the worse day ever.

I look at the calendar, I got upset. Upset that my “freelancing” days are almost over. I will start my full time job come Sept 4.

It is a job that when looked from a practical standpoint, is a necessity. I got bills to pay. Freedom funds to build. It is necessary for me to meet my value of helping the world through volunteer computing. Volunteering is pointless if I can’t even feed myself.

But it is also a job that goes against my personal value of being myself. It forces me back into a fixed working hour again of 8.30 to 6. It forces me to wear or dress up in a certain way because of corporate culture.

This is one of those situation of practicality and reality meeting personal values, and they don’t align. It creates a massive internal turmoil.

This is also one of those situation where you had made a decision based on emotions, unable to pull yourself back to look at the situation properly, and before you discovered your personal values.

This is painful. This is something that I can’t do anything about it unless I want to compensate my new employer one month worth of salary for not wanting the job anymore. And this action is also something I donn’t want to do. It violate one of my other values relating to integrity.

Lesson learnt. This is part of the life journey that I am on.

Next time.

Next time I have to try to stop myself from succumbing to emotional decision making, and stop listening to what everyone said.

Here I conclude my journal for today.