Earlier today, I wanted to write about how I lived with neuroticism and what are plans going forward. But half way through, I wasn’t able to continue on. My thoughts were simply not well-formed and the words couldn’t come out. So I decided to just write about this fact.
It turns out that today, my mind just wasn’t able to focus. It does feel like I got some kind of brain fog. I slipped into this state of mind where I knowingly was doing something repeatability for no particular reason. I could be reading the same article over and over again or googling about something over and over again. When it comes to actual work, I was just doing whatever to implement a particular feature without much enthusiasm.
Then at home, for some reason, I felt like everything is so irritable. I get somewhat angsty and I simply didn’t want to talk. And my parents, especially my dad, is like repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Just like a broken-down recorder. And you wonder where the neuroticism come from; it’s from him.
It totally destroyed whatever traces of thoughts that I have.
Now, thinking back, I wonder if it was because I have been forcing myself to get up early through alarm clock, and going to my client’s office to do work. And now I reached some kind of threshold? I mean this whole month of August was supposed to be my career break and not working my arse off.
Or maybe it’s because I am feeling some kind of unconscious stress regarding my upcoming full-time work. I admit, and as I mentioned before in my previous entry, I didn’t really want the job but am bounded by employment contract. My original plan was to use this last two weeks of August to look for a new job that I feel comfortable with.
Or maybe, my mood is just swinging back down to the depressed state for no apparent reason. I hope a good night sleep can cure it.
Here I conclude my journal for today.