Journal #143 – My thoughts, my plans, and what I did today

At first, I wasn’t sure how to start this journal. But like anything in life, you have to start somewhere. So that first sentence helped.

This morning, I decided to go ahead and play Prey on my PC. I played it for most of the late morning and early afternoon. At around 1530hrs, I felt extremely tired and so I decided to go get a nap.

Woke up at around 1830hrs and felt depressed for no apparent reason. Thinking hard on it, it simply just my anxiety kicking into high-gear.

I don’t want my current life style to end because of the amount of mobility I have.

I get to be myself.

Well, this past week alone, I have taken minimalism up a notch. I have been tossing out so much stuff until my wardrobe and cabinets are full of empty spaces. While tossing them out, I came to realize that these things have over time turned from being valuable to me at one point of my life to becoming junk.

As of now, I still have three laptops excluding my current MacBook Pro. One of them I believe is still useable and the other two are just plain obsolete. I will be stripping out the storage devices from the old laptops and tossing the rest out. Then I will destroy those storage devices in one shot.

I’m on this minimalism journey because I realize my life is full of stuff. With me battling neuroticism, anxiety, and general depressive mood left me without any more energy to take care of material stuff. I also don’t derive any more pleasure of these things. Not any more.

I also believe in geomancy or commonly known as Feng Shui. Having too much stuff in your environment is also described as bad. It causes a form of unconscious mental stress that prevent you from doing your best. So by getting rid of stuffs, means fewer pieces of containers or furniture that I need to in order to house stuffs. With fewer furnitures, my room will be less cluttered and so less stressful. Then I can focus on renovating my room later this year too.

Yesterday, I also had a phone call with an old friend of mine. It was mostly one sided conversation with me just ranting. So thank you my friend. But there was one notable topic that came up. It was about me not being empathic to other people’s feeling, etc.

I am not going to deny that I actually don’t feel empathic to another person. I primarily feel compassionate or sympathy but not empathy. There are two different thing, mind you. And in my case, compassion is typically applied to scenarios where people practically lost everything, suffering from terminal illness. I do feel sad in those scenario.

However, I don’t think it is productive at all to take on a standoffish tone with me when I said I want to try to learn how to empathize. I believe it’s a skill that can be learnt but if there is no teacher, I will have a bloody hard time figuring out. So my take is this. If you aren’t willing to guide me in this life lesson, then don’t. I will still learn my lessons along the way when I get “punched” in the face by life. Just that the latter is a harder lesson.

Anyway, lately I’m started trying to control my emotions and go with a more happier mood when I’m around my family members. I am well aware that everybody will die. And I don’t want to end up one day regretting that I didn’t treat my family members right. I know I didn’t do very well when it comes to treating my family members right in the past because I was stuck in my head trying to deal with my emotions and mood.

Side track a bit and let me put this out there. Writing this journal entry today felt especially hard. I’m very distracted for some reasons. It’s been three hours since I started the first sentence.

Anyway, it’s getting late now. I will just call it a night.

Here I conclude my journal for today.