Journal #158 – Emotionally Exhausting Monday

When I went to work this morning, I was feeling somewhat productive and equally gossipy. I spent most of my morning chit-chatting with my colleague about life and work.

For work, I went about fixing some issue with the async web service call and managed to update the client UI accordingly.

We went for a quick lunch, went back to office, and I continue to chit chat with my colleague again.

In the meantime, I waited for the team leader to come back, and I checked with him on what to do next. I also went about asking for some time off for tomorrow morning for a medical appointment. He agreed to it and so I will go off around 11 am for the appointment and then come back after lunch.

I went back to my seat and studied how to implement a login page using WPF. I manage to create the basic form in less than an hour. I also discussed with another colleague, whose responsibility is on the backend services, on the various web services that I will need for my part of the work. She got back to me on the web services later in the evening.

I also raised the issue of my upcoming military in-camp training with the team leader. He said he will check with the department manager and the technical manager. I did indicate repeatedly that I didn’t want to defer. After that, I went to check with the admin on the status of my company-issued laptop who told me to check with the IT department.

So I did just that. Went down to the first floor where the IT department, waited for them to finish preparing the final few stages of the setup, and I took the laptop.

Everything was good up to this point…

I went back to my desk and my team leader said the department manager wanted to talk to us. So I went along. It turned out the department manager wanted me to defer the upcoming in-camp training.

Noooooooo!

With that, my mood was destroyed. I didn’t want to do any more work.

Screw work!

I already indicated so thoroughly that I wanted to go for the in-camp training. One of the reasons, which I never said, was because my friends will be there and they make the whole training enjoyable. I love having them around. Secondly, another reason which I didn’t mention, deferring the training means there will be make-up training later with people I don’t know. It will also throw my future training schedule off. I won’t be with my friends anymore going forward and in many ways, will affect my desire to go back for future training.

Look, I’m someone who get depressed every so often. Having friends around is what kept me going and help to raise my mood. Take that away from me, I will slip back into depression. And if I have to pretend to make new friends just to get by, that’s going against my personal value again. It does not have authenticity. That itself will upset me quite a lot.

Of course I didn’t share that with my manager. As manager, I don’t think she cares. I understand her priority is delivery of the project on time as proscribed in the tender, and that the rest of the team does not need to work overtime. She added that going for the training after this phase is fine and she won’t stop me.

Well, that’s not the point… not for me anyway.

Professionally, I will still deliver what is required and contribute to ensure the smooth delivery of the end product.

Emotionally, I am extremely not happy and will be taking a series of actions over the next few weeks so that I can right my own ship back to its original heading. I do have quite a few things planned after this phase… This definitely is a wrench in the gears. But then life doesn’t always go your way.

It was emotionally exhausting day for me. I got back home, ignoring work and focus on watching my TV shows.

Here I conclude my journal for today.