Journal #175 – Over-stimulated 2

For the first time at my new job, I actually worked over-time. I’m not sure if that’s the good thing because I did promise myself that I will never do that again. This job is just a job for me to earn money and not damage my health over it. And working overtime has this tendency of being a slippery slope.

Other than the overtime, like yesterday, I powered through the morning with a venti-sized hot Americano. While working, I was feeling extremely frustrated or angry and the reason was actually very simple. It’s my environment.

For me, when I need to do mentally challenging tasks like programming, I like my environment to be completely silent. The only acceptable noise should be from my headphone, blasting some kind of music. These past few days has been rather noisy in office due to the amount of activities related to software integration and testing from the various projects. In addition, there is this lady (from China) who has a very high pitch voice and she talk very loudly. It’s extremely piercing to my ears and stresses me out. By lunch time, I was already exhausted having to deal with all the stuff going on, even with earphones on.

So you see, being a highly-sensitive person, working in an environment where no one understands, is extremely challenging. And I’m not that sort of person who goes around sharing excessively about myself. I like to keep it to myself.

But I do know that if you really want to survive, it has to be a two way street. However, being in a corporate setting where people only care about their own career progression and doing their own stuff, I don’t think people give a shit. Or maybe it’s just my own distrust of most people in a company.

Anyway, no “normal” person can really understand or even comprehend what is it like to be a HSP. If I am to quantify the sensitivity of one’s senses and sub-conscious reactivity, the sensitivity of most people aren’t even tuned higher than maybe a 7 or 8 out of 10. Mine? Try 11 or 12.

During lunch, I kept talking to a minimum because I was already over-stimulated. I needed to wind down a little. I finished my lunch without uttering a single word. My colleagues were just yapping away about tv shows. I only talked a little bit on the way back to office when people talked to me.

Once back in office, I tried to push myself again and continue coding. I managed to get a specific domain use case working by around 3.30pm or so. The rest of my day was focus on putting seed data in the database and writing more codes to create data transfer objects as well as application logic to support the various use cases.

And why did I work overtime? Because I was trying to finalize a specific use case and wanted to test it. However, there was some issue with the code base I was working on. Earlier in the day I had synchronize my codes with the team foundation server’s version because my colleague had checked in her part of the code. What I faced was missing assemblies, service references.

Well, I couldn’t be bothered to fix it any more and it was already 6.40pm.

So I left feeling exhausted. At home, it’s equally frustrated because my mom for some reason likes to vacuum while I’m at home. The sound of vacuum cleaner is extremely piercing to my ears too.

Honestly, I don’t know how long can I keep up with this kind of stimulation before burning out again. But I do know that will definitely lead me to depression.

I do ask myself this question: Will history repeat itself? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I need a better way of winding down.

Maybe I need to sound-proof my whole room for a start.

Here I conclude my journal for today.