Journal #180 – New Work Month, Already Mentally Exhausted

So it’s here and I came to realize that I’m actually realizing that I’m starting to feel exhausted.

It doesn’t make sense right? I only just started working for a month or so, writing codes, I’m already exhausted? I haven’t even reach crunch time.

I think I know why.

First of all, I already have a tendency to slip into depression of sorts caused by my neuroticism. This alone drains a lot of my mental energy or in other words, I don’t have much energy left.

Two, I have been drinking so much caffeine just so that I get a massive burst of energy and simulation in the morning for more than a week or so now. This overstimulation is interfering with my brain’s ability to relax even on rest day and it has been that way for two weeks or so.

Three, I am by nature also a highly sensitive person who gets overwhelm so easily by deadlines and my bosses decided to just keep squeezing. I know that’s life and work and we are supposed to just suck it up. However, my intention is very clear when it comes to work. It really is just a means to an end but my subconscious mind may not be processing it that way. This constant pushing is perceived as a threat to me, a form of stressor.

And lastly, by nature, I demand high quality when it comes to my programming work. I have tried to relax this demand because it’s unrealistic but it’s still there, occasionally raising its ugly head, draining my already limited mental resources. This is another form of stress that I accidentally put on myself.

So with all the above reasons, I am not surprised. And then today, we were told that we will be required to go to the customer’s site to supervise the application in production as the users use it and to fix any issues. In another words, it is UAT. This alone, well, will push my stress level over my coping mechanism if I’m not careful (referring back to my sensitivities). And I also know there is only so much worrying that I can have before it starts to look unreasonable. So… I shall accept it and let it go. One problem at a time.

Now I’m just left with about 4 days to finish up all the core functionalities of the authentication and authorization module, with audit trails.

Pushing on. Until I break again. That’s joking by the way. I’m not going to put my health on jeopardy again because it is one of my core values.

Here I conclude my journal for today.