Journal #197 – Irritable Morning But Productive Day

I woke up actually feeling fine and went to work feeling fine. However, after I sat down at my desk and wanted to start working on my task for the day, I began to feel irritated for no reason.

It got progressively worse.

Best part is that I didn’t really know why but I could venture a guess. I was and still am working on a part of the Authentication and Authorization module that require me to figure out how render the tree view with the right kind of information and how to pass click events around. I guess my irritation was caused by a combination of anxiety and the general feeling of impediment.

And why I feel those feelings?

Well, it’s because I had a hard time understanding what’s going wrong with the existing code written by my colleagues to render the tree view. I had copied and paste the code over and modified it to suit my needs. When I code, I like it to be smooth sailing. With a so-called deadline that I promise to fulfill reaching soon, my anxiety kind of kick in.

Yes, I have been trying to ignore deadlines, focus myself on the tasks, and take things slowly. My approach to work is now like that. It’s intentional because I am now asking the question, “why rush?” It’s not a life or death situation. No one is going to die if I fail to meet the deadline. It is also part of my desire to live an un-busy life. However, it takes lots of practice to make it a habit. By default, my mind loves to panic when it senses an external threat to its general well-being.

My irritability finally toned down a lot by around 11am. I had actually forced myself to listen to two buddhist mantras on a loop, simply stop doing any work, force myself to breathe, and blank out my mind.

For lunch, I actually decided to go out for a vegetarian meal and not join my colleagues. These past few weeks, admittedly I actually started to feel home-sick despite living in my own home country. At work, I’m surrounded by mainland Chinese, whom I felt still hadn’t properly integrated with Singapore culture. I felt like an alien in my own home country. So having lunch by myself actually help me feel better.

After that, I went back office feeling better and was able to get something working. I also figured out some stuff about the tree view. By late afternoon, I was already writing my own version of the view models, creating my own version of the post-processing codes to convert raw data into the new view models. I think I can finish it by tomorrow if all go smoothly.

I went home slightly after 6pm, after backing up the whole project into the shared drive. Once home, I focused on watching shows and having dinner.

One last thing. I actually decided to make some changes to my diet. I decided to transit into partial veganism by reducing the amount of red meat I eat. I will still eat eggs, and fish but will definitely cut down on red meat. It turns out that my mood is also highly affected by what I eat. Eating excessive red meat or processed meat tend to make me feel especially nasty and irritable one or two days later.

Transiting into partial veganism is also related to me being a minimalist and have a core value of ecologically friendly. I just find that if I don’t even take any action, it felt hypocritical.

Well, that’s all for my day.