Journal #217 – Feeling down in general

You know what, I’m feeling very frustrated writing this journal. Over the last five minutes, I have added and deleted lines and paragraphs.

And you know why?

Well, part of me is feeling sick and tired of my job. It’s making me unhappy and I wanted at least my writing to go right. Yes, my job allow me to pay the bills and I never stop trying to keep that in focus. But it’s so draining that as soon as the clock strike six, I’m out of office. And I have mentioned it so many times about how it is preventing me from doing anything that I desire. But pragmatism requires me to stay on. If not, there’s just almost no way to survive in Singapore.

I know people alway say make time for the things most important. I want to write stories. That is important to me. I want to do proper reviews. But there are just days when it’s not lack of time but rather the lack of energy.

You see, I have been accumulating sleep debt. It’s affecting my ability to do any productive work. It’s affecting my mood and coffee can only take me so far. Lately, I have gone for grande-sized americano instead of venti because too much of it is bad for health. Due to my body’s tolerance, grande-sized coffee no longer has any effect.

There are things that I have not gotten around to do or fix. They are constantly nagging at me.

First, I have not complete my decluttering process. There are still a ton of stuff in my space that I didn’t manage to clear. I could use the weekend but I chose to spend them on hanging out with friends, and focus on just unwinding. So I can’t complain about that. In fact the past few weekends, I only managed to spend just a couple of hours at home, mostly for sleeping, watching an hour or two worth of tv shows, going out with friends and family. And I always found some joy with those activities.

Secondly, my health is currently in a bad shape. I have been suffering multiple days of colds, stuffy nose and general discomfort. I found the reason why I keep having stuffy nose. Part of it was contributed by the inhalation of second-hand smoke that is everywhere near my company. Due to my high-sensitivities, I can smell them from as far as five hundred meters away.

The discomfort was caused by poor ergonomics of my company furnitures. They are much worse than my home. Now my neck is suffering from a constant pain on the right side because of the height of my chair. My body is not at an ideal height to use the mouse. It also caused pain on my forearms, shoulders. I could ask for better furniture but seeing how everyone is using the same set of furniture, I don’t know if I will get anywhere. But I know for sure I can’t be sacrificing my physical health for work.

I also haven’t been going for runs. I wanted to do it at least twice a week but I just didn’t. I’m too exhausted mentally and physically to even want to leave the house after I got home.

Thirdly, I’m so drained that I am violating my own values of delivering quality. I haven’t been doing a good job with my freelance client. The codes that I wrote kept having bugs. Overall, I just feel extremely miserable about that fact.

Hmmm… I think maybe I am trying to do too many things at once? Maybe I should make my life even more radically un-busy?

Time to re-evaluate. For now, I better try and sleep earlier… I hope.