Journal #302

A month almost gone, eleven months to go.

It’s still surprising how fast time slip you by.

And during this one month, I have gone through at least two rounds of micro-depressions and two weeks of continuous drive to do design.

Now?

I lost interest in almost everything. I don’t feel like going back to work. The only thing I still want to do is to write.

I refuse to give it up because it’s something I can use to express myself with. But it’s a struggle to write something new that excites people everyday.

My documentation of my days simply can’t be any better. I’m nobody fancy and I’m cool with that. But I still try to do my best work by changing things up.

Thus, I decided to write a poem yesterday. It took me at least 45 minutes to write with edit. A friend of mine thought it was good work though he did wondered if I plagiarized it. I showed it to a colleague, she wondered about the same thing.

It’s hard to be original or create something genuine these days. There’s just too much stuff out there. Everyone is copying everyone. So you can’t take things as it is and you have to question everything.

It’s fine really and no hard feelings.

I suppose the world can’t be trusted. Especially if you have shown to be untrustworthy, haven’t proven yourself to the world that you could create decent variations of your work or when people judge that copying is the fastest way out.

Though I wonder is it because these people will do the same when they are the ones doing? Food for thought. After all, it has been said “whoever is doing the judging is feeling insecure themselves.” I’m pretty sure it’s coming right back at me. I’m judging too.

And I know why I lost my interest with everything else.

I keep crashing into reality of work, reality of life with my desires and idealism and I’m the one getting hurt.

I’m still not emotionally strong enough.

Still not mature enough.

And I have skip several days of not drinking coffee. I’m suffering from a caffeine withdrawal.

Right now, everything I see and do is through the emotion and feeling lens. There’s nothing rational today.

Never have when you are dealing with me.

And I’m fucking sleepy…