Journal #330

The chair slid across the floor and your butt went on top of it. The text editor opened and you stared at the white canvas. It stared back at you. Your fingers rest on top of the keys unmoving. You tried to think of something interesting to write about.

One minute went by. Two minutes went by, then it became five. Before you know it, and it was ten minutes later, the white canvas continued to stare back at you. You thought to yourself what the hell just happened. Did you just get a writer’s block? You started to beat yourself up just because this should be easy for you. You have been doing this for months after months. So the question is why are you stuck?

It’s so obvious. Your life is uninteresting. You have not been growing anymore. You are fucking stagnant! You are letting your fears hold you back and you have not been distilling your observations.

And there, the words miraculously appear on this white canvas.

Now that writer’s block, that frustration, is the result of having been doing monotonous, uninspiring work, dealing with a colleague that you are not happy with, keep finding yourself too worn out from even writing something for your novel, and realizing you have to go back and do it all over again. Everyday, without fail.

This frustration spills over into other areas of your life. You start going to work even later. You become cold towards everything else. You don’t feel excited by any form of meet ups. You hate everyone around you.

Thus, that poem I wrote earlier…while I was at work…

There are a few solutions to that problem. The ones that I can think of are as follows and not in any specific orders:

  1. Change up your routines.
  2. Change your job scope.
  3. Change your job.
  4. Change your attitude.
  5. Go kill yourself.

I can’t do number 2, 3 or 5. Number 2 and 3 just won’t happen. My boss won’t let me change. I need the money for my freedom fund and am holding out for the contract completion bonus. For number 5, I love myself too much to kill. So I will have to change up my routines and my attitude towards work.

And hopefully, I stop having this kind of writer’s block or frustrations.

Lastly, I promised myself that I will read a fiction book instead of a non-fiction. So I went to buy a fiction book after work. I went without any expectation or have a specific author in mind at first. Then as I browse the shelf, I hope I would come across Michael Offutt’s Slipstream. But I couldn’t find it. I ended up with the book call NYXIA by Scott Reintgen.

I don’t know how good is the book and I never heard of this author before. So I guess I will see.