Daily Log #59

It’s so easy.

So easy to get me feeling irritated and pissed off.

The combination of things that will trip me up is endless. One request here. Another request over there. Pile work on me. Ask me another question over there. Make some offhanded comments about my work.

Heart rates goes up. I feel boil inside. It takes quite a fair bit of effort on my part to keep it down, suppress it and focus. Sometimes, I will try to laugh it off despite feeling that frustration deep inside.

That’s what happened today. The atmosphere… The colleagues… The work…

Now you know why my blog address is as such. I’m emotionally turbulent. I’m reactive. I’m overly sensitive.

It’s both nurture and nature. My family tree consists of people like that too. Everyone got their own kind of trigger.

And this is why I adopt minimalism. It helps to remove distraction from my life. Helps to prevent physical stuff (even digital ones) from stressing me out. My mind is already constantly reacting and boiling. I don’t need more.

I even apply minimalism to my work, taking advantage of my innate ability to be able to focus and be conscientious. Yet, I also know demands of modern day work means you have to juggle. You have to context switch. I can’t. It automatically make me feel flustered and disoriented. Even after applying coping mechanism and be mindful. I still feel that boil inside. That anger.

I know is my achilles heel. I could try to be better at context switching and make myself feel less flustered but sometimes, it just isn’t in you. It would be like forcing someone who just isn’t born to be a bodybuilder to bulk up. It is a waste of time and energy. Instead, I personally would rather focus on applying my strengths in everything I do and I think that’s how I can contribute to anything.

My only question would be: will anyone even accept that and let me do what I do best?

I suspect people will try to make me into something I’m not or expect me to be like the rest.

It’s up to me to push against that and don’t let people affect me to the point where I’m questioning myself. My identity.

Like my blog’s tagline.

“Be yourself. Live your way. Your own pace.”