Daily Log #61

I’m angry.

I’m depressed.

I’m upset.

I’m tired.

I’m all the above.

Why?

Work stress is now beyond my existing coping mechanism. The demands are way more than what I expected. Now, I’m really looking for a more chilling work that doesn’t completely drain me everyday. So draining that I can’t even will myself to go exercise. All I wanted to do is actually to sleep. I’m that exhausted.

I look at my novel and hated myself for not even coming anywhere close to finishing the first draft. And I promised that I will finish the first draft before the end of the month. Now I fear I have to break that promise, which only make me feel even worse.

A part of me wanted to blame something but I know it’s really useless. It’s not going to change anything. The only thing that matter is to work through it and get things done.

I also just can’t bring myself to readily accept any advice given by people who aren’t even living life the way I do. They don’t even have the kind of sensitive nervous system that constantly bring them down and make them depressed. They don’t have a critic inside of them that keep generating criticism on everything the do or a mind that keep worrying about stuff.

I really want to sleep now… my back and neck aches came back. And reality is no one cares. I just have to deal with it by tolerating it. But I have just finished dinner too. Since it takes up to four hours for a meal to be digested properly, so I can’t sleep.

This struggle… No one cares either…

I do feel like ranting on and on but it’s also not going to change anything. I still feel miserable…

I’ll admit I do sound more self-absorbed…

So I will end it here.

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