Daily Log #62

Today’s post will be longer than usual because I had to clear out my system of the penned-up emotions and energy.

Thursday Recap

I went home at around 8pm on Thursday because the team lead promise one of our colleagues that we will get her laptop prepped with the latest version of the application. In the meantime, we had to make preparation for Friday’s deployment. It was because another colleague of ours is going away on a three weeks vacation and it’s best that we test and deploy the latest version that included new features implemented by her before Saturday.

The overall pressure to me is high. Considering how sensitive I am, I can even feel, even absorbed, the kind of energy and aura put out by my colleagues as they juggled between different stuff to meet the different demands. There were times—I can sense it—when my colleagues and I were on the verge of getting into fights. I mean the sheer amount of context switching and the atmosphere is already pushing me to the limit. I don’t really need people accusing me of stuff.

Put it in simple words…I’m very pissed throughout the afternoon.

Then towards the end of the day, someone from the project team asked that we prepared the latest of the application for her so that she can work with the subcontractors to test stuff out. My team lead, without asking us, committed to delivering by Thursday night. Making me even more pissed though I manage keep it in.

Later that night, I had to deal with hunger. And for me, I don’t usually eat anything when I know there is dinner around the corner (within half an hour) because I always want to try my best not to waste food. If I take any snacks that make me full, I won’t be able to eat my dinner. Then I will have to throw away some. Thus, I will always reject any offer of food even when I’m starving.

There is one incident that night that is notable. I do feel bad about it after introspection. With what’s going on already in my day, it’s actually not the best time to give me any advice when I’m also feeling hangry. Because even I myself also don’t know if my mind will decide to perceive a threat. Close friend or even family didn’t matter. Best to just keep quiet or ask a question instead.

Well, my friend did give me an advice after I was done ranting over WhatsApp. My mind perceived that advice as a threat. I lost control and I snapped. Of course, he didn’t know the full picture. It’s my fault.

So this lead me to why I couldn’t sleep properly.

The moment I work overtime in addition to the eight hours of work in the day, my mind will go into overdrive mode. In another words, overstimulated. This will prevent me from sleeping. If I do sleep, I will find myself awake repeatedly throughout the night. To my mind, it’s as though I’m resting in the jungle and have to be constantly aware of what’s going on.

Yes, you may find me working at night but that is a conscious decision and I only do so if I didn’t work in the day. That means I don’t feel pressured or anything. I can just stop as easily as I start.

Now, of course one can meditate, go for a run, etc. to get rid of the stress. For me writing is my way of getting rid of the stress and it’s the easiest. Let me rant in writing. And it helps me a lot. Thus I wrote that post. It was to reduce some penned-up emotions.

Friday Recap

My mood on Friday was a mess because I didn’t sleep very well. It all started on Wednesday and the situation got worse for me on Thursday. There were more things that happened on Friday that made me feeling really frazzled and anxious.

I checked my work email too and realized it was the Eat with Your Family day. Staffs are released from work at 4pm. However, the so call exigency of work forced most of my team to stay back until 6pm. The interns however get to leave at 4pm. One of my colleague also left at 4.30pm, dumping everything on me. Me being the nice guy chose to swallow everything despite me feeling overwhelmed.

There was another notable thing. Somehow, my management decided to schedule a demonstration to the customer of the feature we spent the last week implementing and testing at 4pm. It was also the same feature that made us work overtime on Thursday for deployment on Friday but was ultimately scrapped because plans change. After seeing the demonstration, they wanted to showcase it to their senior management next month. So deployment of the latest version is needed again but scheduled next week.

Later, my team lead ask me to go to customer’s site to support the sub-contractor next Monday as no one is available. He himself is going on a four days holiday to China. The other colleague who’s best suited for that role instead get to go for a seminar. This is the thing that piss me off a lot that day. I had to cancel mine scheduled for today because of work while my colleague get to go?

I’m also being asked to deploy the application for the tester to test. Then when certain things don’t work, my team lead will yell from the other side of the room (because he’s there) asking me why it doesn’t work. Sigh…

Now I get this feeling that because I’m the youngest, single, I am being asked to do the most while not being paid as high.

After I left work, I tried to get myself the PS4 game called Detroit: Become Human. The first store I went to, the sale person ignored me. After grabbing the copy of the game from the shelf and placing the game on the cashier counter, I waited for like ten minutes. During that time, the person was happily chatting away with someone by the entrance. Got frustrated, I put the game back on the shelf and walked out. I went to another store on the third floor of the mall. Luckily they had copies of the game. I grabbed it, made payment and left. As soon as I got home, had a shower, I went ahead to play the game until around 2.30am before I went to bed.

On the way home, I had a chat with another friend on WhatsApp. I did mention that I feel like drinking myself to death. That’s how miserable I felt. We talked a little while. She has been dealing with stuff on a smaller scale despite being an entrepreneur. She’s also like me. A HSP. An INFP. Therefore, she has similar struggles with work and people around her.

The conversation with her got me thinking and it’s my current view. It can be little self-absorbed.

Singapore has this “overwork” culture that if one isn’t careful will find themselves slipping into depression or suffer some kind of mental illness. In my case, it’s particularly bad. There’s just no support for HSP in my field of work. It all stemmed from the culture where people are so condescending or even discriminate against people who are suffering from mental illness or just being plain different. Some are just so indifferent and ask you to get over it.

Then there is this situation where no companies will hire you if you say you want a smaller role, get stressed out easily or want to live more simply. You have to be like everyone else — Grow out of your sensitivities, increase your stress tolerance and climb the corporate ladder.

I could be an entrepreneur on a smaller scale. Focus on delivering value for one or two customer per time frame. After all, I’m still supporting a customer for seven years now as a freelancer. It’s a small project that I still find meaning in doing. On the other hand, I don’t find meaning in big multi-million dollar projects like the one I’m on now. I believe it’s because it doesn’t align with my values and I’m practically overworked to death.

Saturday Recap

I didn’t have a good night sleep because my throat was badly inflamed and I had too much caffeine from drinking green tea. Even now as I write this Daily Log, my throat still feel sore and keep coughing.

The first thing I did in the morning after waking up was to play Detroit: Become Human. I managed to finish the first run through by 4pm. I have enjoyed the game but it also made my whole body ache as I sat there for hours only to get up to use the washroom or drink water.

After the game and a shower, I took a nap until it was about 7.45pm before I went out with my family for dinner. That nap definitely helped me to feel better but I guess I will go for a run tomorrow to clear out the rest of the toxins. But it depends on how my body is feeling.

One thought on “Daily Log #62

  1. Ugh. You must feel terrible. I can’t say that I understand what you are going through right now but it must be so hard on you, your job, your team mates, overworking like that can take a toll on you, physically and mentally. I feel sad. Thank you for sharing. I hope in the next few days, you’ll feel better about everyone.

    By the way, can you please try to follow my blog page, if you don’t mind. I would love to connect with you. 🙂

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