Daily Log #64

My depression got extremely bad in morning. I think it was one of the worse episode I had.

I was angry.

I was irritable.

I hate my colleagues.

I hate my job.

I was on the verge of crying at the slightest of provocation. I think I had three or four such situation. Somehow I managed to suppress that urge and keep chugging along.

I couldn’t find the energy to do my work.

I can’t even be bothered to cut my hair. Now it looks like a mop. Somehow I like my current look.

But all is not lost.

I shall note several small wins.

I got out of bed and had my breakfast.

I went to work.

I participated in the standup meeting (SCRUM).

I chat with my friends and the intern, whom I’m close to. Those helped to pull me out of the depressive state. I was on the verge of just walking out of office to see my psychiatrist.

Managed to implement a new feature.

Told my team lead that I hadn’t been having any chance of doing my work in peace and quiet. My backlog is increasing. All he could say is, one day do one task and you will be able to finish.

Managed to get myself to prepare a deployment package for tomorrow. However, during the process, I found myself getting irritated at various issue or comments.

At the end of the day, I know who and what’s the cause…

There are a few reasons and one of the reason was my colleague doing whatever she can to push work onto my plate because she refuse to talk to another colleague about work stuff and using me as the go between.

There were various other incidents where she keep pushing work back at me.

Now, you may be wondering why I’m not making my stand or push back. For one, as a highly-sensitive person, I dislike conflict because it stresses me out. So I take in. In the end, it’s me also suffering from the pain. Sigh.

Anyway, I have decided that I will not be staying at the job any longer because I’m going with my gut.

Let me put it this way. The first day I went to work, I have already felt that the company isn’t quite a good fit for me. However, I decided to give it a go to see how it turns out and I needed the money anyway. One month turned three months and now it’s already nine months. Now it’s already obvious to me I was right.

Ok. That’s all for now. I have tried to schedule a meet up with a close friend of mine for dinner.