Daily Log #65

Ever since I restarted writing for my blog, I have done 519 entries. And even now, I still don’t think I’m any good. In fact, I’m still as insecure about my writings that I have not done anything commercially or for a publication. That thought came about because I met up with a close friend of mine for dinner yesterday just to chat. For me, I have been so depressed for the whole week, possibly two weeks, that I needed additional resources to help me get out of it.

For dinner, we had ours at Din Tai Fung at Suntec City. We ordered fried rice with pork chop, Xiao Long Bao, Fried Prawn Paste Cake and a peanut sauce ramen, also known as Dan Dan Mian. I also had a cup of beer while my friend went with lemongrass drink.

During the dinner, my friend urged me write for commercial purpose. Even if it’s not for the money, it’s about achievement. That way you can say you have done it and if you didn’t like it, you can actually say that instead of finding other excuses. She’s right actually. If I continue to hide behind my insecurities, I won’t achieve anything at all. So that’s what I will do going forward and figure what I want to do with my writings. And I know I did mentioned before that I pivoted towards fiction writing, it’s also very limiting. After all, even fiction writers also does other things as part of their career.

After the dinner, we went walking around the mall and came upon a public exhibit of PhD works by NUS architecture students. There were some works that I really liked and inspired me in terms of world building. However, I also noted that it’s quite hard to translate what you see into writing. Sometimes, I find myself struggling to find the right words for it.

After that, we went hunting for dessert to eat. It took us awhile before we decided to settle down on The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. We ordered a large chocolate cake to share.

We also ordered non-caffeinated drinks. I went with Mint Lemon Ice tea while my friend went with Passion Fruit Ice Blended drink. Sorry, no pictures for this one.

I noticed that ever since I stopped drinking lots of caffeinated drinks, with my current work stresses, I find myself sleeping and napping a lot. It turns out it’s my body’s way of telling me, I needed the rest from everything. In the past, I keep ignoring that and use coffee to keep me going.

Anyway, as for work, there were some updates with regard to my role. Previously, I mentioned to my team lead and division manager that I want to go into design especially of the user interfaces. My team lead wanted a quick talk with me yesterday close to 6pm. We talked about the current progress, the interpersonal problems with the team and how it is affecting the work. During the talk, the team lead also decided to put me full time with the frontend. That means I will get to apply my creativity at work in areas like color, layout, and presenting information to the user. And I know I still have lots of learn so I will continue to go for courses and read up to improve. He also mentioned about the existing backend stuff. Despite my laziness, constant bouts of depression and unhappiness, I’m not irresponsible. Thus, I told him that if it’s something I created or done, I will continue to maintain those parts including the access control module since that’s under my purview. But going forward, I won’t be taking on any new backend-related work or task. Anyway, I suppose it’s happening due to the recent influx of new staffs. That means, there is sufficient amount of people to cover different aspect of the project.

Previously, I planned to quit end of June and move on because I didn’t feel like I’m going anywhere and I got pretty sick and tired of working in this dysfunctional team. With this new direction, I shall see how it goes before taking any action. If I still feel like I don’t like the arrangement, I will have to find another solution.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t suffer from bouts of depression or anxiety. Those first stemmed from the vast difference between expectation and reality while the second stemmed from my perceived inability or lack of skill to handle situations. I will continue to work on those two areas so that one day, I hope I get less depressed and less anxious about life.