I took a quick look at both my WordPress and Medium stats and you know what I found? Viewership and readership have pretty much gone down. It’s my fault really because I have stopped posting useful or relevant content for my readers.
Look at when was the last time I posted a poem.
Look at when was the last time I posted a decent article that is useful.
And look at my daily log. Well, it really isn’t a daily log anymore because of how infrequent I post.
But there is hope yet. I spent the last few days understanding why and gain deeper insight.
I’m not only suffering from burnout. I’m also suffering from lack of inspiration. You see, the burnout made me so tired and drain all my motivation that I have pretty much stopped reading stuff on Medium. Even the books I recently bought are still in their original wrappings. I don’t find myself enjoying the games I once enjoyed. Instead, it feels like a chore. The zoo trip and the weekend didn’t help bring me back.
As to why I’m burnout by my work, well, it’s because I feel like I’m being suffocated at work. The things I’m doing now are the things I have been doing since I started my software development career. It is unsatisfying and unchallenging. Then there was the general lack of appreciation. My team lead recently seem to find fault with the things I have implemented. At the same time, my colleagues in general are not on the same page as me or have the same desire to build something really nice and good to use. I feel like I’m not part of a team or a tribe, making the whole job miserable and uninspiring.
Going forward, I have to be very conscious about how I feel and think. I simply cannot allow this burnout to affect my writings and it’s up to me to find new inspiration after working hours so that I can write better.
As for the job, I went with the choice of just grinding it through and wait for the bonus payout in a few months time. I just don’t think I want to find new opportunities or roles with my current company because I simply have no intention of staying beyond this year. I hope to go to a place where the company place a higher emphasis on design and show care in their products. I don’t want to be part of a company culture where the people are so risk averse, discriminate against younger people because they lack the experience, and can’t seem to attract talents. Then there is this boring focus on fulfilling the “functional” aspect of a project and don’t care about how the user feels about the software.
And if I don’t find a company in the tech industry locally that fulfill my criteria, I do have alternatives. I will go off on a tangent and make a complete career switch. When that happens, I will just say, “fuck off tech.”
And no, I’m not going to have a job that need me to write a lot. I just don’t want to have the side effect of seeing writing as a job.