Daily Log #86

I don’t know what’s it like at other companies, especially those software houses and tech companies. Thus far, in my current job, I keep finding myself in situations where I need to support the demonstrations or presentation of the software and its various features to different stakeholders while still doing various other things like writing codes, testing, going for meetings, and fixing bugs. Making things worse is that we only know about these demonstrations or presentations about one or two days before the actual day and that we had to always work overtime just to implement some odd requests.

That’s what happened yesterday. There was a presentation scheduled for today and yesterday night, my colleague and I were told to go to the datacenter to fix some issues and bugs while also making sure the application runs properly. At first, we thought everything was fine when we finally left the data center at around 5.45pm.

A call came later from our team lead and he asked us to go back there to fix an issue caused by a sub-module not done by us. I had to ride the train back again and that journey took me twenty minutes.

When I finally got there, I had to go through security checks again and got stuck there for a few minutes because the guards wanted to rescan my bag. By then, my anger kind of boil over the edge. In my mind, I went, “Can you fucking get this done faster.” Well, I wasn’t happy being called back to work again after clocking out. So everything else that happened after quite easily became irritants.

The next irritant was the team behind the sub-module wasn’t being responsive enough. It was followed by I am basically wasting time just sitting around and waiting, doing nothing.

The absurdity of the situation made me so mad that I actually said out loud in Mandarin, “Don’t bother to buy dinner for me, I don’t care,” when my team lead asked my colleague over the phone if I wanted anything. In Mandarin, it actually is more insulting.

Oh yeah, I’m pissed. I still am even now.

And I don’t want that dinner for other reasons anyway.

It was around 10.30pm that I get to leave the place. Oh boy, by then I was so pissed that I felt like punching somebody in the face.

Why?

Well, I was hangry from not having dinner and gastric issue. I can’t eat anything else because there is dinner waiting at home that is cold. I hate to waste food and is watching my calorie intake. By the time I get home to eat it, it will be 11.40pm because of the travel time home since I need to spend 45 minutes on train ad another 15 minutes to walk home. And after eating, I need to wait 4 hours before I can safely go to bed without suffering from acid reflux (as I said my gut hasn’t been doing very well these days). My back was and still hurting now. I was tired. Finally, overtime work always send my brain into overdrive and that means I will actually have insomnia.

So… I went through my night with stomach problems, tired but can’t sleep, pain all over with my allergies acting up again. I only managed to fall asleep at about 6am. End up I decided to call in sick. Went to see a doctor, get a bunch of painkillers and medical certificate to state I’m not well, and took naps throughout the day.

I am now asking myself why am I making myself suffer so much? Is this job even worth it? Until now, I still can’t seem to be able to reconcile my highly-sensitive nature, my need for long period of downtime (me time: games, watching videos, and reading), writing my book, precise meal times, and the demands of my work. The balance is so elusive that if I’m not careful, I slip back into depression again and again.

I really wonder is there something less demanding out there with more understanding bosses. Finally, is it so difficult to have a slower pace of life? I really don’t want to have the situation where a job kills me rather than me dying of natural causes.

Anyway, I also used the chance to go out with my mom after my naps. She said that it’s nice to have someone to go out with on a normal day and time flies really fast. Yeah, I agree. Everyday, she’s just alone at home while my dad and me goes to work and my sister goes to school. What she does is just play games on her phone and do really nothing else other than housework. Time flies so slow that it’s boring and numbing. Come to think of it, it’s actually pretty saddening. This is probably why I’m not moving out on my own anytime soon.

I know I can be like very aloof, get pissed off easily, not that professional when it comes to work, but there are times when I’m just a softie inside. I do get upset when I see sad scenes in books or movie or when I see animals being hurt or when the planet is damaged so badly by our activities. It’s just who I am really, have two extreme sides.

While I was out with my mom, there are two things that keep popping up. Two things that I really want: Figurine (to be precise: Play Arts) and Xbox One X Halo 5: Guardians. However, I still couldn’t bring myself to spend up to $800 on a brand new console just to play that one game I love. I don’t see any other games that isn’t already on PC or PS4 that I want to play.

For the Play Art toy, I went to buy Spartan Locke from Halo 5, spending $195 on it and I love it. The following are some unboxing pictures and after I was done setting it up.

Well, I always do have a love for soldiers in science-fiction armors like this. They just look so dashing and cool. This will serve as inspiration for my novels…

Argh… I need more painkillers… It hurts.

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