Daily Log #101

I went for my second VBeam laser treatment after work today. After it was done, I was surprised that I didn’t see my face become red like some videos I have seen on YouTube. But I definitely need to avoid the sun tomorrow.

And when I was there, the doctor did a quick review and determined my face is looking smoother. That Infini RF with Rejuran and VBeam treatment three weeks ago was definitely effective. However, the doctor also noted that it was still early to make any big claims. It was stated that it will take one month after Infini RF for any visible effect to show. And then, the recovery will continue for the next three months as the skin generate new collagen to push up the depression scars.

In the meantime, my friends are calling for me to start looking for a girlfriend soon since I’m looking better now.

Well, for a start, I didn’t want to commit to a relationship because I think it will bind me down and prevent me from actually doing whatever the hell I want. At heart, I’m a seeker of sort, never wanting to quite settle down.

Now this lead me to recall something a friend of mine said two months ago.

That friend commented that I still hadn’t figure out what I like. He himself like doing technical stuff and that’s why he continued to do it even after ten years.

Well, I have actually figure it out a few months ago before I met up with him.

I like seeking inspiration and novelty that ultimately allow me to create.

That is the foundation of my behavior when it comes to work, games, books or movies I watch.

The limiter on my seeking behavior is the desire for safety and stability. Knowing that constantly wanting to stay safe and stable doesn’t lead to growth, what I am always doing it balancing them. So I will seek new stuff but only when I’m sure I can leap and will do whatever I can to prepare the ground.

This is probably why I’m still watering the grass on my side of the fence despite feeling suffocated at my current workplace. I tried to make it work for me by requesting for tasks and work that I enjoy doing, which my team leader has pretty much accommodated as much as possible. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I went home feeling tired or bored at times. So it’s important to remember to be contented with what I already have.

I also come to acknowledge the fact that the other side is always brown too and not greener. It’s just how companies are. The marketplace is cutthroat. Competition is high. But it also take very good managers and bosses to know how to focus and push away distractions.

And so far, I hadn’t seen any good ones and I can’t control that. What I can do is to show up and ask for what I want to do given the company existing resources and requirement. Then I go do that.

That’s why going home early and being able to play video games until sleeping time is so important for me now.

Playing video games and getting merchandises related to the video games I love playing is a big part of the reward system I created for myself, after having to suffer through eight plus hours of work in an environment that stresses me out with all the noise, poor air circulation, etc.

Yeah… the pain of being a HSP.

Previously, I thought I hated gaming because of how often I get bored playing new games. Hell, look at Ghost Recon: Wildlands. It’s been six months since I bought it and still hadn’t gotten around to complete half of the campaign missions. It’s all these observation that make me think I hated gaming.

Turns out, deep down, I still love gaming a lot. Just that I dislike how the gaming industry had turn out with the focus on micro-transactions, free-to-play massive-online multiplayer and arena-style games. And that affected how game companies develop their other existing game franchise by making everything more massive with co-op or multiplayer elements.

For me, video games is a solitude activity. It is something that allow me to consume through visual and audio to relax my nervous system.

A good single player campaign with good storyline, gameplay and graphics goes a long way to make me happy.

Halo franchise is one such game.

Mass Effect: Andromeda, despite all the flaws and lower quality compared to the original Mass Effect trilogy, is one such game.

Horizon Zero Dawn is one such game.

Hell, even The Witcher 3 is one such game.

I don’t necessary need games to be science fiction. Because I hated the recent Warhammer 40K games.

So I went from focusing on writing lots to playing video games a lot more, now having rediscover my love for it. But I still need to go back to writing because it’s the other thing that is also important. It’s part of the reason why I became a software programmer. And I’m reminded of the fact that I’m still not getting around to write that one last scene for my novel… It’s always the last mile that always get me.