Daily Log #114

I went for my third VBeam treatment after work. When I was there, the doctor noted that I have fresh acne outbreaks. I told him that I tend to get them like almost everyday, especially on my nose area. He took a quick look and saw there are icepick style scars. Due to the nature of these scars, they get block really easily and thus causing inflammation and outbreaks. With that, he decided to prescribe me Stieva-A 0.05% to apply on areas with consistent outbreak and see if my acne can be brought under control. He also said that it’s pointless to keep doing the VBeam treatment because the skin will form new scars again and again because of new outbreaks. It’s a waste of the money.

In two weeks’ time, I will go back to see him again so he could determine if the cream have any use at all. It is important to let the skin heal and rest from acne outbreak so that whatever treatment done is effective.

I seriously hope my skin will behave.

Now, if the acne still doesn’t go away, then I will have to undergo another treatment call Agnes. This treatment will selectively destroy oil glands in areas where there’s constant acne outbreak.

My concern now is price tag. I mean my only credit card is having only 2/5 of its original credit limit left and I can’t afford it until I pay off the existing installment plan that I took on for this current treatment.

I don’t remember if I mentioned this yet but today marks the start of my second year contract with my current company. I just know that I don’t feel particularly excited or motivated. As long as I get paid, that’s it.

While my colleagues and I were heading for lunch, I asked one of them if she wants to work for an insurance company and program in Java. Her response was, “Not really. I want to go and do data science.” I pointed out that she didn’t really have sufficient experience in that area. Her reply was, “She didn’t say she want to be a senior person. Just a junior role will do.”

Then we talked about the pain of doing project. I don’t know how much truth there was in her statement about preferring to do products instead of project. But I know my truth. My mind don’t operate in a “project manner”. In fact, I feel stifled and restricted by project-style thinking.

In a project, the requirements are already defined for you. Anything more, not within scope, you don’t do. If the customer want it, then there will be change request and is chargeable. And last minute changes to the software happens almost every time because the customer already paid for it and they have the right to do so. So at the end of the day, there’s just no meaning to my work. It’s like I’m being controlled and pulled along for the ride by force.

When it is a product, it’s different. Usually, it’s the management who set the direction of where to go with the product. And if the management team is discipline enough, they will reject changes that don’t fit into their direction. You get to do research, develop, test and rarely would you get your creation thrown away or ideas rejected. If it is not part of this release, it will be part of the next unless everyone concluded it wasn’t the best idea or solution.

In my mind eye, product-style software development work is just more flexible and fulfilling.

I also noted that throughout my programming career, I hadn’t really saw any project to the end except for my first paid programming job, which I’m still maintaining for my client as a freelancer.

And it is also the only work I have done where I’m the happiest with and proudest of. Like I said earlier, it’s not about the scale of the project. It’s about whether I feel fulfilled by it.

Well, I’m not saying my current job is completely meaningless. There are certain things that I have done which I’m proud of with the added bonus of my manager giving a round of applause in a meeting. And that my team lead gave me as much leeway as possible in terms of applying my creativity and ideas. It’s just that I really really hate the firefighting mode the team is engaged in. I also hate the constantly need to go down to site to deploy and test. Right now and for the longest time ever, I only just want to create stuff with programing. I don’t want to do configuration, deployment, or maintenance. If I really want to do devops, I will do devops. But I don’t. I’d rather go for a two hour meeting where we discuss how to design the best UX or bring users onboard to our software.

So I will see how it goes over the next few months.

And now I’m really tired. Time for bed.

And one last thing, I decided to take an anti-histamine this morning. I regretted it. Mental fogginess and extreme tiredness the whole day.

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