Depression is a really nasty illness despite it being known as the “common cold of mental illness”. It affects everyone differently. For some, it can be so crippling that they are unable to find the energy to do anything, so much so that their personal hygiene takes a hit. And for some, they are still able to function at a certain level that people would dismiss their claim of being depressed.
I have struggled with it for the last four months. In hindsight, it was the longest depressive episode I have been through.
It has robbed me of my ability to think critically, see things from different perspectives and made me lose interest in things that I once cared about. Motivation was gone for most part, causing me to stop working on any of my personal projects. I just couldn’t bring myself to do them.
The illness made every little setback in life or work felt like it was a failure on my part. There were so many times over the last four months when I felt like everything is hopeless and pointless. Whatever I do wasn’t going to change anything. Sensitivity to people’s comments was at its highest.
It also made me extremely tired. I just wanted to sleep most of the time. The only thing that kept me going was my daily caffeine intake.
And at its worst, I have even contemplated suicide in the most graphical manner possible.
Then I went on antidepressant nearly three weeks ago.
Honestly, I don’t know if it’s helping me. I still feel tired all the time. I do smile or laugh at certain triggers but then I will go back to feeling neutral or numb almost immediately. My body aches from time to time and now I couldn’t tell if it’s because of my daily runs and lack of quality sleep or the side effect of the medication. My work has fallen in terms of quality. There were times when I just couldn’t bring myself to do any work.
But there are also a few changes that I’ve noticed recently.
I have withdrawn socially, keeping a lot of stuff to myself. I don’t really talk to my friends or family anymore. I don’t share a lot of stuff with my colleagues too.
On the positive side of things, I have started playing video games again. I won’t say I feel particularly excited. There were times when I feel awed by what I’m seeing but at the end of it, I do feel like I’m just going through the motion.
And it’s only today that I decided to write something. There were some ideas in my head several days ago but I still couldn’t bring myself to write. In fact, I started this piece of writing at least a week ago but I gave up on it after finding myself struggling with the content.