Daily Log #65

Ever since I restarted writing for my blog, I have done 519 entries. And even now, I still don’t think I’m any good. In fact, I’m still as insecure about my writings that I have not done anything commercially or for a publication. That thought came about because I met up with a close friend of mine for dinner yesterday just to chat. For me, I have been so depressed for the whole week, possibly two weeks, that I needed additional resources to help me get out of it.

For dinner, we had ours at Din Tai Fung at Suntec City. We ordered fried rice with pork chop, Xiao Long Bao, Fried Prawn Paste Cake and a peanut sauce ramen, also known as Dan Dan Mian. I also had a cup of beer while my friend went with lemongrass drink.

During the dinner, my friend urged me write for commercial purpose. Even if it’s not for the money, it’s about achievement. That way you can say you have done it and if you didn’t like it, you can actually say that instead of finding other excuses. She’s right actually. If I continue to hide behind my insecurities, I won’t achieve anything at all. So that’s what I will do going forward and figure what I want to do with my writings. And I know I did mentioned before that I pivoted towards fiction writing, it’s also very limiting. After all, even fiction writers also does other things as part of their career.

After the dinner, we went walking around the mall and came upon a public exhibit of PhD works by NUS architecture students. There were some works that I really liked and inspired me in terms of world building. However, I also noted that it’s quite hard to translate what you see into writing. Sometimes, I find myself struggling to find the right words for it.

After that, we went hunting for dessert to eat. It took us awhile before we decided to settle down on The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. We ordered a large chocolate cake to share.

We also ordered non-caffeinated drinks. I went with Mint Lemon Ice tea while my friend went with Passion Fruit Ice Blended drink. Sorry, no pictures for this one.

I noticed that ever since I stopped drinking lots of caffeinated drinks, with my current work stresses, I find myself sleeping and napping a lot. It turns out it’s my body’s way of telling me, I needed the rest from everything. In the past, I keep ignoring that and use coffee to keep me going.

Anyway, as for work, there were some updates with regard to my role. Previously, I mentioned to my team lead and division manager that I want to go into design especially of the user interfaces. My team lead wanted a quick talk with me yesterday close to 6pm. We talked about the current progress, the interpersonal problems with the team and how it is affecting the work. During the talk, the team lead also decided to put me full time with the frontend. That means I will get to apply my creativity at work in areas like color, layout, and presenting information to the user. And I know I still have lots of learn so I will continue to go for courses and read up to improve. He also mentioned about the existing backend stuff. Despite my laziness, constant bouts of depression and unhappiness, I’m not irresponsible. Thus, I told him that if it’s something I created or done, I will continue to maintain those parts including the access control module since that’s under my purview. But going forward, I won’t be taking on any new backend-related work or task. Anyway, I suppose it’s happening due to the recent influx of new staffs. That means, there is sufficient amount of people to cover different aspect of the project.

Previously, I planned to quit end of June and move on because I didn’t feel like I’m going anywhere and I got pretty sick and tired of working in this dysfunctional team. With this new direction, I shall see how it goes before taking any action. If I still feel like I don’t like the arrangement, I will have to find another solution.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t suffer from bouts of depression or anxiety. Those first stemmed from the vast difference between expectation and reality while the second stemmed from my perceived inability or lack of skill to handle situations. I will continue to work on those two areas so that one day, I hope I get less depressed and less anxious about life.

Daily Log #64

My depression got extremely bad in morning. I think it was one of the worse episode I had.

I was angry.

I was irritable.

I hate my colleagues.

I hate my job.

I was on the verge of crying at the slightest of provocation. I think I had three or four such situation. Somehow I managed to suppress that urge and keep chugging along.

I couldn’t find the energy to do my work.

I can’t even be bothered to cut my hair. Now it looks like a mop. Somehow I like my current look.

But all is not lost.

I shall note several small wins.

I got out of bed and had my breakfast.

I went to work.

I participated in the standup meeting (SCRUM).

I chat with my friends and the intern, whom I’m close to. Those helped to pull me out of the depressive state. I was on the verge of just walking out of office to see my psychiatrist.

Managed to implement a new feature.

Told my team lead that I hadn’t been having any chance of doing my work in peace and quiet. My backlog is increasing. All he could say is, one day do one task and you will be able to finish.

Managed to get myself to prepare a deployment package for tomorrow. However, during the process, I found myself getting irritated at various issue or comments.

At the end of the day, I know who and what’s the cause…

There are a few reasons and one of the reason was my colleague doing whatever she can to push work onto my plate because she refuse to talk to another colleague about work stuff and using me as the go between.

There were various other incidents where she keep pushing work back at me.

Now, you may be wondering why I’m not making my stand or push back. For one, as a highly-sensitive person, I dislike conflict because it stresses me out. So I take in. In the end, it’s me also suffering from the pain. Sigh.

Anyway, I have decided that I will not be staying at the job any longer because I’m going with my gut.

Let me put it this way. The first day I went to work, I have already felt that the company isn’t quite a good fit for me. However, I decided to give it a go to see how it turns out and I needed the money anyway. One month turned three months and now it’s already nine months. Now it’s already obvious to me I was right.

Ok. That’s all for now. I have tried to schedule a meet up with a close friend of mine for dinner.

Daily Log #63

In hindsight, I know I can sound quite whiny and immature in my writing. I admit I do lose perspective on life sometimes and need reminders from people around me from time to time.

However, I also know how my body reacts to stressors and I suspect it’s probably more sensitive to stress than most HSP out there. After all I do fall sick from it and feel very anxious. So my natural instinct now is to avoid major stressors, especially if I don’t feel like they are useful for what I look for in life, as much as possible.

At the end, all I am really looking for is just a simple life where I go to work, give my best on work that I enjoy doing, get paid for it, and then go back home to do my writings, watch shows on Netflix or play games. I’m not looking for big fancy house, car, fame or lots of money. As long as I have enough money to buy the occasional new Apple products, eat decently by myself or with my family and friends, I’m good. Everything else to me is superfluous. It’s my definition of minimalism. In fact, I can live just fine without traveling overseas though I know it’s also necessary to gain new experiences.

Thus far, I really enjoyed my first job because it’s small scale and very focus. I didn’t really need to go around doing deployments, supporting customers and be part of a team to do demonstrations or presentation to management or customers. I’m happy there.

Then as I go further along my career, companies began to expect more from me due to my work experiences. I have to multi-task so much and deal with really tight deadlines that make me so miserable. No amount of money given to me is going to change how I feel about work. In fact, I think I’m happier earning just SGD44k a year instead of my current SGD54K a year because of the amount of work I have to do with increase pay. I also get to pay lesser tax.

After much pondering, I have decided to move on to work on a smaller scale basis and look for meaning in my work than to climb the corporate ladder. I don’t even mind if I have to work two jobs on part-time basis for as long as I have enough time to do what I enjoy at home.

If anyone have any suggestion for small-scale developer roles, let me know in the comments below. I’m definitely not looking for roles at companies like Facebook, Google or those multi-national corporations.

Work-related stuff aside, today I get to spend some quality time with family members and have meals together.

First up are some food that I had at a Japanese restaurant.

After that, I went to buy some chocolate to eat.

Later at night, my dad went to get some durians. It’s been a while since I last ate durians and I have always love these fruits. Yummy.

Lastly, I also spent quite a few hours preparing a timeline document for my novel, putting in new words and editing the chapters. It definitely make me feel better now.

Daily Log #62

Today’s post will be longer than usual because I had to clear out my system of the penned-up emotions and energy.

Thursday Recap

I went home at around 8pm on Thursday because the team lead promise one of our colleagues that we will get her laptop prepped with the latest version of the application. In the meantime, we had to make preparation for Friday’s deployment. It was because another colleague of ours is going away on a three weeks vacation and it’s best that we test and deploy the latest version that included new features implemented by her before Saturday.

The overall pressure to me is high. Considering how sensitive I am, I can even feel, even absorbed, the kind of energy and aura put out by my colleagues as they juggled between different stuff to meet the different demands. There were times—I can sense it—when my colleagues and I were on the verge of getting into fights. I mean the sheer amount of context switching and the atmosphere is already pushing me to the limit. I don’t really need people accusing me of stuff.

Put it in simple words…I’m very pissed throughout the afternoon.

Then towards the end of the day, someone from the project team asked that we prepared the latest of the application for her so that she can work with the subcontractors to test stuff out. My team lead, without asking us, committed to delivering by Thursday night. Making me even more pissed though I manage keep it in.

Later that night, I had to deal with hunger. And for me, I don’t usually eat anything when I know there is dinner around the corner (within half an hour) because I always want to try my best not to waste food. If I take any snacks that make me full, I won’t be able to eat my dinner. Then I will have to throw away some. Thus, I will always reject any offer of food even when I’m starving.

There is one incident that night that is notable. I do feel bad about it after introspection. With what’s going on already in my day, it’s actually not the best time to give me any advice when I’m also feeling hangry. Because even I myself also don’t know if my mind will decide to perceive a threat. Close friend or even family didn’t matter. Best to just keep quiet or ask a question instead.

Well, my friend did give me an advice after I was done ranting over WhatsApp. My mind perceived that advice as a threat. I lost control and I snapped. Of course, he didn’t know the full picture. It’s my fault.

So this lead me to why I couldn’t sleep properly.

The moment I work overtime in addition to the eight hours of work in the day, my mind will go into overdrive mode. In another words, overstimulated. This will prevent me from sleeping. If I do sleep, I will find myself awake repeatedly throughout the night. To my mind, it’s as though I’m resting in the jungle and have to be constantly aware of what’s going on.

Yes, you may find me working at night but that is a conscious decision and I only do so if I didn’t work in the day. That means I don’t feel pressured or anything. I can just stop as easily as I start.

Now, of course one can meditate, go for a run, etc. to get rid of the stress. For me writing is my way of getting rid of the stress and it’s the easiest. Let me rant in writing. And it helps me a lot. Thus I wrote that post. It was to reduce some penned-up emotions.

Friday Recap

My mood on Friday was a mess because I didn’t sleep very well. It all started on Wednesday and the situation got worse for me on Thursday. There were more things that happened on Friday that made me feeling really frazzled and anxious.

I checked my work email too and realized it was the Eat with Your Family day. Staffs are released from work at 4pm. However, the so call exigency of work forced most of my team to stay back until 6pm. The interns however get to leave at 4pm. One of my colleague also left at 4.30pm, dumping everything on me. Me being the nice guy chose to swallow everything despite me feeling overwhelmed.

There was another notable thing. Somehow, my management decided to schedule a demonstration to the customer of the feature we spent the last week implementing and testing at 4pm. It was also the same feature that made us work overtime on Thursday for deployment on Friday but was ultimately scrapped because plans change. After seeing the demonstration, they wanted to showcase it to their senior management next month. So deployment of the latest version is needed again but scheduled next week.

Later, my team lead ask me to go to customer’s site to support the sub-contractor next Monday as no one is available. He himself is going on a four days holiday to China. The other colleague who’s best suited for that role instead get to go for a seminar. This is the thing that piss me off a lot that day. I had to cancel mine scheduled for today because of work while my colleague get to go?

I’m also being asked to deploy the application for the tester to test. Then when certain things don’t work, my team lead will yell from the other side of the room (because he’s there) asking me why it doesn’t work. Sigh…

Now I get this feeling that because I’m the youngest, single, I am being asked to do the most while not being paid as high.

After I left work, I tried to get myself the PS4 game called Detroit: Become Human. The first store I went to, the sale person ignored me. After grabbing the copy of the game from the shelf and placing the game on the cashier counter, I waited for like ten minutes. During that time, the person was happily chatting away with someone by the entrance. Got frustrated, I put the game back on the shelf and walked out. I went to another store on the third floor of the mall. Luckily they had copies of the game. I grabbed it, made payment and left. As soon as I got home, had a shower, I went ahead to play the game until around 2.30am before I went to bed.

On the way home, I had a chat with another friend on WhatsApp. I did mention that I feel like drinking myself to death. That’s how miserable I felt. We talked a little while. She has been dealing with stuff on a smaller scale despite being an entrepreneur. She’s also like me. A HSP. An INFP. Therefore, she has similar struggles with work and people around her.

The conversation with her got me thinking and it’s my current view. It can be little self-absorbed.

Singapore has this “overwork” culture that if one isn’t careful will find themselves slipping into depression or suffer some kind of mental illness. In my case, it’s particularly bad. There’s just no support for HSP in my field of work. It all stemmed from the culture where people are so condescending or even discriminate against people who are suffering from mental illness or just being plain different. Some are just so indifferent and ask you to get over it.

Then there is this situation where no companies will hire you if you say you want a smaller role, get stressed out easily or want to live more simply. You have to be like everyone else — Grow out of your sensitivities, increase your stress tolerance and climb the corporate ladder.

I could be an entrepreneur on a smaller scale. Focus on delivering value for one or two customer per time frame. After all, I’m still supporting a customer for seven years now as a freelancer. It’s a small project that I still find meaning in doing. On the other hand, I don’t find meaning in big multi-million dollar projects like the one I’m on now. I believe it’s because it doesn’t align with my values and I’m practically overworked to death.

Saturday Recap

I didn’t have a good night sleep because my throat was badly inflamed and I had too much caffeine from drinking green tea. Even now as I write this Daily Log, my throat still feel sore and keep coughing.

The first thing I did in the morning after waking up was to play Detroit: Become Human. I managed to finish the first run through by 4pm. I have enjoyed the game but it also made my whole body ache as I sat there for hours only to get up to use the washroom or drink water.

After the game and a shower, I took a nap until it was about 7.45pm before I went out with my family for dinner. That nap definitely helped me to feel better but I guess I will go for a run tomorrow to clear out the rest of the toxins. But it depends on how my body is feeling.

Daily Log #61

I’m angry.

I’m depressed.

I’m upset.

I’m tired.

I’m all the above.

Why?

Work stress is now beyond my existing coping mechanism. The demands are way more than what I expected. Now, I’m really looking for a more chilling work that doesn’t completely drain me everyday. So draining that I can’t even will myself to go exercise. All I wanted to do is actually to sleep. I’m that exhausted.

I look at my novel and hated myself for not even coming anywhere close to finishing the first draft. And I promised that I will finish the first draft before the end of the month. Now I fear I have to break that promise, which only make me feel even worse.

A part of me wanted to blame something but I know it’s really useless. It’s not going to change anything. The only thing that matter is to work through it and get things done.

I also just can’t bring myself to readily accept any advice given by people who aren’t even living life the way I do. They don’t even have the kind of sensitive nervous system that constantly bring them down and make them depressed. They don’t have a critic inside of them that keep generating criticism on everything the do or a mind that keep worrying about stuff.

I really want to sleep now… my back and neck aches came back. And reality is no one cares. I just have to deal with it by tolerating it. But I have just finished dinner too. Since it takes up to four hours for a meal to be digested properly, so I can’t sleep.

This struggle… No one cares either…

I do feel like ranting on and on but it’s also not going to change anything. I still feel miserable…

I’ll admit I do sound more self-absorbed…

So I will end it here.

Daily Log #60

I arrived at office slightly later than usual because I wanted to get my starbucks. The daily standup meeting had already started when I walked in. So I put my things down and joined in.

Although I missed out on the first part of the meeting where the team lead was mentioning about the need for us to be more committed to the project, and work as a team. And there is the mention of the need for us to be assertive and not aggressive when it comes to stating what we want.

Well, it will definitely take some effort on each of us to even let that happen. I for one has different values, needs, and wants when it comes to work, which are totally not in sync with the rest of the team. This is where adaptability comes into play but still, it doesn’t change the fact that this is not a tribe or a job that I want to be in for long term.

Put it this way, I don’t enjoy working for more than 6 hours straight nor do I enjoy dealing with people who’s somewhat like me. I don’t like me either because I know I can get quite stubborn and rigid when it comes to certain things. Then I also noticed this desire to protect oneself and shifting blame when things goes wrong. I think I think have been on the receiving end of this several times whether it is intentional or not. In the past, I’m also guilty of doing it but now I try to be more conscious about where the fault is with before I say anything. As a rule of thumb, I will blame me first. Lastly, there’s just this aura from some of my colleagues that rub me wrong. I can’t place the reason but sometimes, I just don’t feel comfortable around them.

So, at the end, I guess I will just do what I can given the culture and look forward to my pay day. While I’m there, I will look for whatever opportunities or tasks that align with what I enjoy doing, apply my conscientiousness while I’m working, and that’s about it. It just doesn’t make sense for me to make myself miserable by looking at the bad. So a change of the frame of mind is necessary here.

But I have to note that I have not intention of climbing the corporate ladder. I have also somehow made my current schedule work for me, so I don’t want to change that. I will stick by my own rule of not putting unnecessary hours at work. I need more rest if not I will become extremely grumpy or angry. Also, having spent up to nine hours per day at work is long enough and exhausting. I simply don’t want to spend any more waking minutes seeing and sharing the same space as my colleagues. I like more percentages of my time to be spent alone to rest and play.

That’s just who I am. If I have to spend time with someone, I rather spend it with friends.

Work and life aside, I for one have always enjoy watching shows or reading about stuff dealing with the paranormal and psychic abilities. Even when stories that I write contain elements of those things.

That’s why the last two days spent on Netflix, I found myself watching a Japanese show call Mob Psycho 100.

Having watched all the episodes, the main theme with the show is that one should never be unkind, bad or evil even if you have superpowers because at the end of the day, you are just another human being. That being said, it applies to people in power or with authority. You are only there because people allow you to be there. If you abuse it, you will find yourself pulled down. In the worse case scenario, you’d be killed and someone else will take over. We see that happened throughout history. So…be a nice person.

Daily Log #59

It’s so easy.

So easy to get me feeling irritated and pissed off.

The combination of things that will trip me up is endless. One request here. Another request over there. Pile work on me. Ask me another question over there. Make some offhanded comments about my work.

Heart rates goes up. I feel boil inside. It takes quite a fair bit of effort on my part to keep it down, suppress it and focus. Sometimes, I will try to laugh it off despite feeling that frustration deep inside.

That’s what happened today. The atmosphere… The colleagues… The work…

Now you know why my blog address is as such. I’m emotionally turbulent. I’m reactive. I’m overly sensitive.

It’s both nurture and nature. My family tree consists of people like that too. Everyone got their own kind of trigger.

And this is why I adopt minimalism. It helps to remove distraction from my life. Helps to prevent physical stuff (even digital ones) from stressing me out. My mind is already constantly reacting and boiling. I don’t need more.

I even apply minimalism to my work, taking advantage of my innate ability to be able to focus and be conscientious. Yet, I also know demands of modern day work means you have to juggle. You have to context switch. I can’t. It automatically make me feel flustered and disoriented. Even after applying coping mechanism and be mindful. I still feel that boil inside. That anger.

I know is my achilles heel. I could try to be better at context switching and make myself feel less flustered but sometimes, it just isn’t in you. It would be like forcing someone who just isn’t born to be a bodybuilder to bulk up. It is a waste of time and energy. Instead, I personally would rather focus on applying my strengths in everything I do and I think that’s how I can contribute to anything.

My only question would be: will anyone even accept that and let me do what I do best?

I suspect people will try to make me into something I’m not or expect me to be like the rest.

It’s up to me to push against that and don’t let people affect me to the point where I’m questioning myself. My identity.

Like my blog’s tagline.

“Be yourself. Live your way. Your own pace.”

Daily Log #58

I didn’t feel particularly excited about going to work today. There was this general sense of tiredness and disinterest. Everything I do is slow. That lasted the whole morning and only got slightly better in the afternoon after lunch.

These days even when I’m tired, I didn’t really go with caffeine. I have since learnt that high-acidity of my stomach and the hunger pangs were caused by consumption of more than 80mg of caffeine. Even 60mg can be a little too much. So I went with chamomile tea. So far, I like to think that it helped to calm my nerves down.

Later in the afternoon, I managed to gain a little more energy and went ahead to finish implementing a new video streaming API on the backend to connect to a different endpoint provided by another sub-system. Although my team lead made everything sound so simple and shouldn’t be very complicated to implement, think procedural style and bare minimum use of design patterns, I for one don’t take that approach. I like things designed properly from the get-go with modularity and maintenance in mind. Well, at least based on what I think is modular but I also admit that I may have overcomplicated the whole implementation.

After I was done, I started working on the frontend at around 5pm. However, I didn’t do a lot because it was approaching 6pm. What I did do was to follow up with my colleague on the data. Turns out there were some issue with the data. At around 6.30pm, I decided to call it a day and head home, promising that I will take a look at that data tomorrow.

Daily Log #57

I skipped several days of Daily Log because I was quite busy hanging out with friends and family gatherings. Friends and family are two of the most important things in my life. Therefore I will put them first whenever humanely possible.

On Friday night, I met up with my friends from secondary school for dinner and movie. We had dinner at Sushi Tei and Deadpool 2 for movie. During dinner, we caught up with each other on things like work and life. The good thing about not having Facebook is that I’m forced to talk to my friends and share stuff. I don’t check my phone anymore to distract myself.

During the catching up session, it turns out one of my friend love money so much that he is willing to survive on just painkillers with caffeine so that he can work non-stop for seven days straight without sleep. In exchange, he earn nearly $7000 at the end of the seven days after delivering on a project. And in the day? He had a day job that pays him $5000 per month.

All I can say is, that approach just isn’t worth it. Yes, the society and our economy is cold and pragmatic. Money runs the world. But what if you drop dead from that and don’t get a chance to spend that money? His excuse was that he’s still young and he won’t die now. However, there has been cases of people as young as 13 dying of heart failure in their sleep.

For me, I’m going on the other path. I will put in the hard work but never, never at the expense of my health. I take into account my sensitivities when I do anything. If it’s time to sleep or rest or drop work completely, I will do those instead. And whoever wants to ask me to work more, I will tell the person to fuck off nicely. As a highly-sensitive person, getting into a serious fight or argument with someone is just not in me. It’s stressful too.

On Saturday morning, I went to the bank to update the name of my account so that it is in sync with my identity card. Banks, being banks, are very sensitive and particular when it comes to personal information. One wrong letter here or a change of certain things means you can’t get money out.

I also took some time in the afternoon to play Cities Skylines and I still find myself dealing with negative income. I have to look again at how my city generate income and what’s consuming so much.

Later that day, my family and I went to grandma house for a gathering with other relatives. After dinner, some quick chat, have some fun with my cousins, my family and I went home at around 10pm.

Sunday morning is another outing with a friend to catch Deadpool 2 again. Then we had lunch at our usual spot. If you are wondering why? Well, I think I mention before. It’s never about the movie. It’s about the company. Simple stuff. Simple catchup.

On the work front, I found myself rather exhausted mentally. I have had bouts of depression every other weeks or two and I could see signs of burnout too. Because of that, I decided to pull myself out of doing certain things. I am applying minimalism to my work life.

You see, because of my background, I’m doing both backend and frontend development but it’s exhausting. So I told my team leader that I don’t want to work on the backend of the application, with the exception of the identity access module because that’s something I have ownership over and is good with. He agreed but only when they actually manage to get a new hire. And nobody knows when that will be. Thus far, my company hasn’t been successful in getting the right kind of people and have trouble finding the really good ones.

If you wonder why I don’t want to work on the backend anymore, well… I’m having trouble tolerating poorly designed and written code. I’m also having trouble accepting poorly named variables, database columns, and functions that doesn’t really capture the essence of the use case or the domain in my view. I know deep down, this isn’t just some CRUD application that we are working on. So seeing those stuffs just irritates me so much that I felt like I’m a gear in a system that keep finding my gear teeth caught in some weird cloths, preventing me from gripping on to other gears or rotating properly. It slows me down so much that I couldn’t write codes fast enough.

I have only myself to blame for not being adaptable enough. Or that I am no aligned with what the team’s objective with regard to this application and that is delivering functionality as fast as possible. I know those are valid concerns but at the same time, it’s just who I am for the intolerance. I care about long-term maintenance, code readability, modularity, and zero-ambiguity in implementation. There is also the desire for form, perfection, control, and a dash of OCD coming from my core personality. So, I’m not sorry for that.

Now you see why I also love Apple and their products.

And my apologies if my Daily Log seem a little incoherent or jumping around. At least that’s how I felt about it. My only excuse is that… I’m exhausted from the constant outing and work-related stresses. Still, I’m putting it up because why not.

Daily Log #56

Today is just not a good day for me.

I didn’t manage to bring my mental state to neutral. My subconscious mind is feeling the stress caused by demands of my work— the need to take on my colleagues stuff, multi-task and constant schedule changes and shifts. I went through another night of insomnia, making it the second day.

There is another issue popping up and it’s related to my gut. There is this constant grinding, spasm and the need to make a run to the loo every now and then. By the last count, I have gone for the sixth time. Six times in one day! Even then, my gut is still rumbling while I’m lying in bed. It’s making me very uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to focus on whatever it was I’m doing.

My mind was also everywhere today. Frazzled. I’m having trouble thinking straight. I had some problem planning out what I want to do. Even when playing games, I’m making some of the stupidest decisions.

Sigh…