Daily Log #111

Previously, I mentioned something about creating the habit of writing towards a specific word count to ensure you consistently put in the work without being overwhelm. I did that today again and attempted to write two hundred words today. Not only did I write two hundred words, I actually wrote five hundred and eighty without being aware of it. Now my novel is another step closer to completion.

Other than writing, I spent my morning watching World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles. It is a 2011 science fiction film that I still love even after watching it for the sixth or seventh time. There are a few other war shows that I do re-watch from time to time because I enjoy them. Some examples are Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, Starship Troopers, and Band of Brothers. If Band of Brothers is on Netflix Singapore, I will definitely watch it again.

After watching that movie, I went out for my usual 3km run. The afternoon sun was pretty much covered by clouds and so it wasn’t that hot during the run. However, my body was pretty much complaining and was aching all over even during the run. This just show how unfit and unhealthy I am. With that, I also realize my tummy is getting fatter and fatter.

I’m thinking that I should probably get a cycling machine or a threadmill so that I can do cardio exercise at home instead of going out there to run and subject myself to air pollution. These days, I really can’t breathe in the outside air without suffering from some kind of throat inflammation. I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. And I have not gone to see the doctor about it.

On the topic of health, I’m thinking about going back to the diet I done during my younger days. It is a diet that is 65% protein/fats, 30% carbs and 5% fruits/vegetables. My recent experiment at home was that eating a meal in that ratio in the morning actually kept me going until like 4pm. I didn’t even feel hungry or the need to snack. It worked today too. I didn’t even feel hungry after going for a 3KM run.

I hope that with this kind of diet, I can lose weight since I would be eating lesser overall. And I will do that in earnest tomorrow. That means, I won’t be buying any more fruits after my lunch when I’m at work.

Come to think of it, I realize I actually feel hungry earlier if I eat fruits after lunch. I suspect it’s because the fibre is causing rapid stomach dumping in my case.

When I do need to eat fruits, I will eat them at home since my dad always will buy a bunch of oranges and apples every other day. I also supplement myself with 1000mg of Vitamin C everyday.

Oh, my colleagues and friends definitely will comment about my lack of fruits and fibre. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck. I’m eating according to what my body need and I don’t want to eat so many times a day like what I have been doing for the last one year and a half.

That’s all for now. Time to sleep.

Daily Log #110

Last night I had a weird dream about me staying in a really dark and big house with a family of caucasians. Throughout the dream, I found myself busy with fortifying the house and helping out with general stuff. And I just intuitively know it’s about defending the house against an incoming zombie onslaught.

I have forgotten most of the dream but there is the last part that was very clear. The zombies finally attacked and we started activating whatever defenses and traps we had setup earlier. It didn’t take long before the zombies entered the house through some kind of tunnel. I ran and so did the rest of the family. Then I fell behind, armed with a meat chopper, and attack a zombie coming at me from a tunnel. I managed to score a hit on the left side of the zombie’s face before it faded to black and I woke up.

When I went back to sleep again, the dream didn’t continue.

I woke up for good later and took the time to share the dream with a friend of mine. Then I figure out what it was all about.

You see, I have had this same dream for several times now as far as I remember.

The dream was about me, deep down, seeing my work place and the world around me as zombies. Everyone is mindlessly chasing after that one thing, whatever it is. Then at work, no one has ever questioned why certain things has to be done or how to do things differently. And I also feel like nobody seem to have any values they bring to work. After all, zombies have no values. Right?

Then there was the recent incident at work where I was working on a feature for an upcoming tender demonstration. After showing it off the prototype to my team leader and I told him I want to do it right, he said to me don’t need to do it good. Just need a quick and simple idea because there is no need.

Now that’s surprising coming from a team leader and a company who purportedly cared about quality. That runs contradictory to what I value: whatever it is I do, it has to be done right, with superior quality and attention to details. I don’t care if it is a temporary feature or permanent. The only challenge for me is being able to do it fast.

So you see, I’m constantly engaged in a futile attempt to fight against the zombie nature of our modern society, mindlessly chasing or following after things without much thought.

Well…as with everything: Es gibt immer zwei Seiten

Anyway, I spent my Saturday morning playing ReCore, a game that I got for my Xbox the day before. I didn’t play long because I got bored and tired. Then there was this nagging thought that I should be off learning Swift/Objective-C programming in the context of building an iOS app. Given how I wanted to focus on UX and UI, mobile is a great space to work in. It will really challenge me and allow me to grow further as a developer who will take care of the user through their interaction with any application.

It’s my mission to help people live stress free through my creation.

Daily Log #109

I decided not to play games today.

But I decided to watch Netflix.

Only for me to be distracted because I decided to learn German with more intentionality. I call it deliberate practice and study.

I even took out a pen and paper to write instead of typing so as to reinforce my understanding.

Here are some sentences in English which I took the time to understand in German like where the verbs, nouns and pronouns go. I will talk about what I understood or figure out. And I did use Google translate to help with words that I didn’t already know.

English:

English German
The apple is red Der Apfel ist rot
It is John’s Apple Es ist Johns Apfel
I give John the Apple Ich gebe John den Apfel
We give him the Apple Wir gebe ihm den Apfel
He gives it to John Er gibt es zu John
She gives it to him Sie gibt es ihm
I must give it to him Ich muss es ihm geben
I want to give it to her Ich will es ihr geben

The first two rows are simple because there isn’t much going on. They are just factual sentences.

The third row is where it got a little interesting.

In German, “the” has three different versions depending on whether it is used in a masculine, feminine or neutral way. The version are der, die, das respectively.

But when something is being done to a “masculine” noun, the article “der” become “den”, just like the table above where the “apple” was given to John.

Good news is that “die” and “das” doesn’t change.

You may be wondering why apple would uses “der” instead of “das” since it is a fruit and has no gender. Well, nobody seem to know why. If anyone found out why, let me know.

And there is no need to worry too much. There are rules as to when to use the different version of article and those rules work for most nouns. For the exceptions like “Der Apfel”, well, just remember the combination and move on.

Moving on to the next few rows…

If an action is directed at a subject like English sentence, the word “to” is necessary to indicate that. In the German equivalent like row five in the table above, it is the same because the action is directed at a subject. “To” in german is “zu”.

The word “zu” can also be used as a temporal preposition and is used to replace “for” or “on” when time is implicit.

One thing to note is that “zu” in German can confuse newbies because of its use as a locative preposition, temporal preposition, casual preposition and adverb. Sometimes, there are better words to use to replace it in a sentence.

For row six to eight in the table above, you can literally translate word for word to German like this, which does sound safe:

English German
She gives it to him Sie gibt es zu ihm
I must give it to him Ich muss gebe es zu ihm
I want to give it to her Ich will gebe es zu ihr

However, verbs in German can be classified as either weak or strong. A direct translation as shown above make the action “gebe” (“give” in German, also a singular verb) weak especially in the context of the second and third row since it is used as a modal verb. The presence of “must” and “want” changes the whole sentence to something with more intention. And it probably sound wrong to native speakers.

Therefore, this is where conjugation comes in. It is to strengthen the word “gebe”.

English German
I must give it to him Ich muss es ihm geben
I want to give it to her Ich will es ihr geben

If any part of my understanding is wrong, I definitely welcome correction.

That’s all for today. I will head for bed soon.

Daily Log #108

My manager decided to conduct a quarterly review of my performance today.

During the quarterly review, my team lead mentioned my strengths and weaknesses. For strength, he said that compared to others at my age, I have broader knowledge in many things. I’m also more creative with the ability to think beyond what is required. The third thing was I can actually produce more than other people when left alone.

It’s good to hear.

And personally, I will say I can check all those boxes confidently. I’m more knowledgeable because I read more and read across multiple fields. Just like how I can hold a decent conversation with a dentist, a doctor, or a fellow engineer from another industry. My creativity also stems from that cross pollination of knowledge and that I care about stuff, especially when I deeply believe that the quality of any output I produce is directly related to how far I can think and then implementing the necessary solutions. The last point well, I’m pretty sure most people can also produce more when given the same amount of alone time.

Then came weakness.

My team lead say that I fall sick easily from stress and that I need to exercise more. Of course my manager also added that exercise helps to reduce stress, etc.

Well, I know. And exercise help to improve my overall health. That’s why I go for runs on Sunday afternoon so that I can have a fresh start to the week. However, due to my multiple allergies and sensitivities, I don’t really go out into the public after working hours. I could in theory sign up for gym membership but I for one hate to work out in an enclosed area with lots of people. The thought of it just stresses me out. So the other thing I can do is to plan for another running session again in the middle of the week but have to put it at around like 10pm when most people are already home and the amount of cars on the road have dropped significantly. I will probably give that a try this Wednesday if there is nothing interrupting.

Of course I tried to share that my immune system tend to attack my body once there’s too much stress by causing inflammation all over. Then I share that I also have multiple allergies. From the expression I get from my manager and the “dismissive” gesture, it’s apparent that she don’t really care. It’s the ‘solve your own problem’ stance.

Err…it does take two hands to clap. My resources are also limited when it comes to dealing with forces or situation beyond my control. I created a routine so that my body and mind don’t suffer stress consistently. The occasional stress is necessary though.

What I have problem is the manager is not even willing to listen and understand. If she did, then maybe we could work something out. I believe that the biggest skill a manager or a team lead should have is deploying empathy. With that, he or she could then assign work or allocate resources in a manner that maximize output while ensuring everyone is happy wherever possible.

Look, I’m not expecting everything to go my way. The world doesn’t revolve around me but I do know it’s all about compromises. For me, I will definitely put in my best effort in any task I do but I also expect some kind of support or understanding when I needed it.

And in hindsight, I got to say that the arrangement I have with my team lead now is great. Just that I still won’t be happy when I have to work beyond the standard hours because there are other equally important things to me in my life that I want to do everyday. And I’m not and never will be a believer in working more than six hours every day. So you will still see me complaining about that aspect of my work consistently. 😉

Moments after the quarterly review, my team lead asked for a meeting to discuss about some of the issues raised during the minister visit. The biggest one was related to the message queue. The RabbitMQ then decided to throw exceptions related to having more than 1000 messages in the queue. So the meeting was about massaging the messages such that the system don’t send so many messages, ensuring there are no duplicate, and ensure data safety.

It was during that meeting that I think I demonstrated my broad knowledge and design thinking in the context of software design. And it will always be my strength for as long as I continue to read more stuff.

Then the rest of the day was about cleaning the code, fixing error messages and I also identified several bugs in parts of the application that I worked. So I went to fix those and then discuss some stuff with my colleagues about other feature. That was when I realize that oversimplification of certain ideas and solution can lead to confusion. To me, it meant that there wasn’t enough thought or care put into the solution. And it happened so often until I somehow stop worrying about it. As my colleague put it, “if thats what the team lead wants, then I shall implement that. Otherwise, he will say I’m not willing to do the work.”

Oh well… that’s the company culture…

And I suddenly remembered something.

I told one of my friends about the quarterly review and how dismissive the manager was. After exchanging some messages about being assertive and hoping for a better manager, she asked if I want to go and work in a startup environment.

Well, it does trigger a physical reaction in me as I wondered, “I thought working in a startup means work yourself to death.”

I mean, the business world is cold and very competitive. If you want business, then you probably will have to work day and night to deliver stuff. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for that and I’m afraid that I will allow work to overwhelm myself. But it’s definitely something I need to think about going forward. Do I still want to work for someone where the hours are control mostly by others or work for myself where I can control my own time.

With that, I shall end my log here.

Daily Log #107

I felt so guilty over the weekend for not putting in any effort to finish off my novel. I keep procrastinating. I keep trying to look for that kick or that inspiration to get me started.

Well, it turns out, I could not get that same feeling I got back in February when I pumped out twelve thousand words over three days, spending approximately eight hours or more each day. It has become what I call drudgery. The last mile of the marathon. You are tired and you feel stuck. You just don’t feel like continuing anymore. I think you know what I mean.

Then I came across a paid article on Medium that talk about defining a writing schedule through the act of picking a word count and stick to it every day. It could be as simple as writing 200 words per day, 500 words per day or even 1000 words per day. This way you created a bite size chunk and reduce your anxiety instead of being overwhelmed with the thought of writing a scene or a chapter.

Now that was a good reminder for me. I used it to push me to get into a writing mode.

I’ll admit that along the way I got distracted by YouTube but generally I found myself putting in at least 200 words for the last scene of my novel. And I’m happy with that.

I…I also just realized something as I was writing this log and allow me to give you some context.

I have been feeling rather bored over the last few weeks despite having my Xbox to keep me entertained when I’m at home. Then this morning when I decided to switch on my desktop after nearly two months, I find myself playing a game for half an hour or so before deciding to call it quits, switched to another game and then quit after half an hour. After my desktop completed its Windows update, I decided to switch it off and be done with it.

And now I realized that the excess of anything can really kill your motivation to do anything else.

Put it this way. Ever since I got the Xbox, I have put in nearly every weekday night and weekends for the last month or so on it, playing the Halo franchise, Gears of War 4, Mass Effect: Andromeda, and Call of Duty: WW II. So much so that I didn’t really spend much time on reading or writing. And when I’m not gaming, I would be watching videos, shows and films.

So it created a situation where I stopped creating stuff and consumed too much content. What was originally a relaxing activity, it became a chore that drained your energy level.

Going forward, I will still play video games, read and watch videos but I will do it in a more controlled manner. Instead of playing video games consecutively for days, I will need to control myself and put myself in a creation mode from time to time.

That means to write more.

Yes, I’m creating stuff in my day job as I’m a software developer and doing UX/UI design as part of my work. But to me, there is a difference between that and writing fiction. Creating software is an activity that requires more logical thinking whereas writing fiction requires more imagination. In order to feel fulfilled, I need to do both.

And like what I said earlier, too much of anything zaps your motivation level out. By listening and doing what both half of my brain wants, I will end up happier and not have this nagging or guilty feeling like I have been having for the past few weeks.

Hmm… I also realize I’m having some trouble getting my thoughts out in a coherent manner, especially for the latter parts of this log. Maybe it doesn’t show up. Maybe it does. But I definitely felt it as I write. It’s like my mind is gagging and choking.

Well, this is definitely a lesson for anyone who wants to write well.

The moment you stop practicing intently, you get rusty. And from my infrequent writing and publishing of daily log, I’m sure you know what I mean. It applies to anything that you want to do in life.

So keep doing whatever it is you need to do, even if you are producing just a tiny fraction. In my case, that means to write at least 200 words per day to prevent myself from becoming rusty.

Daily Log #106

After the nearly fully day of gaming on Wednesday, I had to work overtime the next day because there was to be a demo of our system by our customer to a minister on Friday morning.

If the system worked as intended, that wouldn’t have happened. However, there were multiple fault and errors from the frontend sub-systems. The sub-contractor had people on site trying to fix issue we found as we tried to use various functionalities. By 8.30pm, the system still wasn’t 100% stable and after some discussions and some trials of the system by the customer, they decided to call it a night and hope for the best.

Like the rest of the team, I didn’t get to have dinner until we went home but it affected me badly because I started to feel really hungry. It got to a point where I got quite giddy because my blood sugar dropped. In addition, I was very tired with aches all over.

Most people will just say I should eat something before I get home. My colleague always say, solve your own problem. Right…apparently, I don’t know that.

I know what I need. Thus, I have a routine. A routine to help me get through my day without issue. A fix time to have lunch. A fix time to have dinner. A fix time to wake up, etc. However, life always love disrupting your routines. There is only so much planning you can do to mitigate those.

Back to the situation on Thursday. The question is, where the hell am I going to get something to eat at that hour ( >6pm and most shops are closed) that is light and doesn’t contain too much calories at where I am? It’s because I have dinner waiting for me at home and I do limit my total calorie intake per day. I also can’t eat a lot of thing without suffering from some kind of reaction or consequence. So no biscuits, chocolate, or fried stuff. I can think of fruits but the stay at work beyond normal working hour was unexpected too, so I didn’t get that earlier. And fruits are perishable.

The one solution I can think of is to prepare fruits like apple or orange to bring to work for emergency like this. And I will do just that going forward.

However, I’m also questioning if this way of working is worth it. I mean, you are working at a schedule not within your control, and subjected to different expectations and requirements. Then if I’m not careful, my body start reacting painfully.

On Friday itself, I went to work with my colleagues to monitor the system while the visit was ongoing. Before the minister’s arrival, the customer did some more trial run. There were some issues and we had to spend time to troubleshoot. The good thing was we managed to get most of the issues resolved for actual demonstration. The bad thing was the visit went beyond 12pm again. I had to rely on a bottle of isotonic drink because of its sugar content and salts. The sugar to prevent my blood sugar from dropping too low and make me cranky while the salt was to minimize the acid’s damage on my stomach lining. I expected some overrun in terms of time but didn’t account sufficiently for the amount of acid produced.

Well, when it comes to stomach acid or hunger, it is a hard thing to gauge. Sometimes, I can go for hours without food and sometimes, the hunger is so bad that I get gassy gut. The only time I know for sure I won’t feel hungry for long is when I have a diet of pure carbohydrates and protein. I did eat that for lunch on Friday and I went for hours until evening without feeling a hint of hunger.

That’s when I met up with a friend for dinner and a movie called The First Purge. For dinner, we ate at a Korean restaurant called Yoogane where we had Army Stew.

I got to say I was surprised by how nice it tasted despite me not really loving Korean food. Generally, I prefer Japanese because it’s more simple and healthier. And more agreeable with my gut. Yes, despite my allergies and what nots, I can take raw fish without problem. Somehow I actually do feel better with that compared to vegetarian food.

Oh well… there are times I’m really just tired from managing my body, its symptoms and its reaction to life demands. So every time I successfully go through the whole day without any issue, I call it a win. If not, I will just try again another day…

Ok, I will end this log here because I felt like I have rant too much and starting to sound too self-absorbed.

Daily Log #105

Today is a Singapore public holiday called Hari Raya Haji. And I decided to just chill and do the bare minimum. With that, I spent my whole morning and early afternoon playing Mass Effect: Andromeda. Thus far, I find myself drowning in the amount of quests I need to do and the distance I need to travel in-game to do those quest. It kind of reminded me of work where my JIRA has a bunch of backlog.

By around 3pm, I’m already exhausted and decided to take a nap. I didn’t wake up until nearly 5.30pm when I decided to take a shower.

After that, I simply went to watch The Bourne Legacy until it was time for dinner.

You know what, I do feel a little guilty about not doing anything more productive. I guess I will make it up tomorrow. For now, I’m watching Nvidia GeForce RTX official launch event on YouTube.

So far, I got to say I’m impressed and inspired by how far computer graphics have come.

That’s all for my update today.

Daily Log #104

I didn’t go to work today because I signed up for a Microsoft event called Modern Application Development.

Previously, there were several events that I wanted to go but because of work, I canceled my registration thinking that it won’t be fair to the team. Back then, I got pretty upset when one of our team member get to go while the rest of us had to work overtime to ensure the event went without a hitch. So this time, although there is an upcoming event this week, I went for the seminar.

The start of the event was a talk on what is cloud and Azure. Then it progressed into a talk on Kubernetes and what it is about. When it comes to Microsoft, the instructor mentioned the company didn’t get involved with the actual codes and they always use the latest upstream version. On Azure, the Master Node is managed by the company while the rest of us get to use only the minions or worker nodes.

After a quick lunch break, we get to see it in action with a demo followed by a lab session. Microsoft provided us with Azure Pass that allow us one month of free use.

I have a brief experience with Amazon AWS and used that to compare with Azure. I have to say Azure is a much friendlier cloud service to use. Other than that, I doubt I will have much use for it going forward since my day job don’t need it and I don’t really tinker around at home since I typically spend the time on video games, watching shows and reading.

I know most people will probably say that to be good or a master in anything, you should practice, try, make mistakes, etc.

My answer to that is “balance”

Sometimes all you have to do is spend three or four hours on something to get the most out of it. Intentional learning and practice is far more effective as mentioned in some articles like this and studies like this have shown.

After the lab session, I left Microsoft’s office at around 4pm and made my way to a restaurant to eat. The lunch wasn’t filling enough because there weren’t any protein or even enough to go around. My stomach by 2pm was already growling and producing excessive amount of acid.

While I’m there, I realize how much I love the design of their office. It’s definitely more refreshing than my company’s building. It’s old, ugly and stifling in terms of design.

You see, I’m someone who needs a great environment to work in, to feel inspired, to feel great and happy. This is why I work in my room, play in my room, etc. It is highly personalized to make me feel at home and that is the most important thing to me when it comes to doing anything. Or you can see it as a way to prime my mind. I’m pretty sure everyone has got their own set of rituals or practices before they do anything productive.

Anyway, I’m also feeling a little exhausted from my current job. Normally, going for seminars or even going for a few days of courses is enough to refresh me but not this time. There were days when I sleep I dream of work stuff. It’s like there are certain things creeping up into my subconscious that I can’t seem to let go. So I will have to deal with that.

Daily Log #103

Recently, I had this sudden onset of desire to learn a new language. And the language I picked to learn was German.

Personally, I think German is one of the easier language to learn if you already know English because they did share a common history in the form of Anglo-Saxon. There are certain words with the same meaning looked or sound approximately similar that makes it easy to recognize (e.g. offiziell – official, feuerwerk – fireworks, musik – music).

I am also able to recognize the following:

  1. ich – I
  2. was – what
  3. du – informal version of ‘you’
  4. die/der/das – the
  5. auf – on
  6. und – and
  7. für – for
  8. seit – since
  9. Deutschland/Deutsch – Germany/German
  10. mir – me

And instead of going for paid courses, I decided to go the self-taught route through the use of songs.

However, I also know that German language has more than one word for the same word in english depending on the context. Take ‘you’ for example. Sometimes you want to use the formal version of ‘you’ in german which is ‘sie’ when you have to address people you don’t know instead of ‘du’. Then the word ‘the’ has masculine form, feminine form and neutral form (der, die and das respectively) and it highly depends on what noun follows. Like you won’t use ‘die auto’ (the car) and you will use ‘das auto’ because a car has no sex or gender.

And yes, it does feel overwhelming but I see it as a way to improve my brain function by forcing it to rewire again through learning a new language. Using music or watching shows in the target language I want to learn will make things easier.

I also see it as a challenge.

You see, I’m a polygot when it comes to programming languages. Java, C#, C /C and SQL. I also know scripting language like Javascript. And I could easily pick up others. I did learn how to write and read Objective-C after spending a couple of hours with it. Now, give me any programming language, I am confident that I can read through codes written in it within a week and understand what’s going on.

And you know what are biggest obstacles to learning a new language?

It would be close-mindedness and prejudice.

I know because I couldn’t let go of Java when going to C#, Javascript or any other language for that matter. I thought it would make me rusty in Java and affect my ability to find another job with it ever again. I also allowed my identity to be tied to Java. Over the years, I keep calling myself a Java developer and refuse to call myself a C# developer or Javascript developer. By learning a new language would mean eroding my identity.

Finally, I also hated any other languages because I think they are ugly and not expressive enough.

That’s why my learning journey was difficult.

And now? Ever since I took on my current job that require C# only, I have learnt to let it go and see a learning a new language as a way to express oneself or your ideas better. It’s after all a tool. What is important is your problem-solving skills.

So I see learning German the same way. It’s a way for me to express myself better in writing and see things differently. The intermediate goal would be to have the ability to read an article in German. And I hope one day I can write a full blog post in German as a demonstration to myself I have done it.

Daily Log #102

Hot.

Hot.

It’s bloody hot.

And I meant the weather.

Even just sitting here with a fan blowing at me from the back, I’m sweating. Sweating in the evening, in my own room.

And before that, I was napping and found that I sweat in my sleep. Cause my body felt sticky.

This weather is one of the causes for my ongoing acne outbreak despite me having spent $7400 on acne scar treatment just three weeks ago. It feels like the treatment is wasted and making me mad.

Compounding the problem is my urticaria. Its triggers? Heat and carcinogens. Those two are what I have narrowed down, having lived ten years with it. So in this hot weather of Singapore, I’m having hives every hour or two. And carcinogens from my food is also giving me hives. Because I get them even in an air-conditioned room while trying to sleep.

And my body is ultra sensitive to carcinogens. They contribute greatly to my acne outbreaks. And these compounds can come from the typical city pollution or food. The first is almost unavoidable. As for food, I can avoid eating them because they can be anything that is deep fried, grilled or cooked in high-heat.

I suppose I can always go back to a pescatarian diet but my experience with that is I will always be hungry within two hours after a meal. After a big bowl of salad, I will feel full. But one or two hours later, I will have this growling stomach. And I know it’s pure hunger because when I drink water, I can feel its coldness and pressure when it struck the bottom of my stomach. I honestly don’t know how those vegans can go full day without any issues. And if I eat every two hours, I look like a bloody glutton.

I will be clear. Despite what almost everyone claims, fibre don’t make me full or feel satiated. After all, that’s what you primarily and other vitamins and minerals will get from a pescatarian diet. In fact in my case, my stomach will be like doing quick dump of its content within that two hour or so. Then it will start eating itself with acid. I know because I have lived through it the last five or so years. Again, I end up having two eat every two three hours, making me look like a glutton.

And worse, my weight will only increase through that way of eating. So I’m not going that route.

The only way I feel full is protein-heavy with moderate amount of fats and carbs. By protein, I am referring to animal-based like pork. And by carbs, I don’t mean from bread or noodles. It has to come from rice. And oh, in Singapore, you can get this kind of food very easily. Chicken rice, roasted pork rice, etc. In fact, you can always find at least one store selling that in any of the food court, hawker centers or traditional coffee shops in Singapore.

Yes, I do eat that. Almost always. But that’s where the problem start. Carcinogens… Roasted pork. Barbecue pork. Roasted chicken. The list goes on. And typically, I take 1.5 servings per meal. Once I do that, I can go through the whole afternoon or night without feeling hungry once. Hell, I can even go through the whole day without feeling hungry if I take about 1.8 servings or 2 servings of those. I will typically feel alive.

So I’m stuck.

I still hadn’t figure out what I can eat so that I can feel both full and alive without suffering from hives and acne outbreak.

Maybe I could go with boiled meat but then the thought of it…eek…tasteless and disgusting…

Oh, I tried taking meat that is part of a soup. Especially at home. My mom will prepare soup with lean meat inside. I especially hated it. The meat is bland and tough to chew. I only eat it when the main dishes don’t have any meat or when I feel like chewing meat. Well, chewing meat for me is actually therapeutic.

I guess I will continue to try and figure out…

And no, I refuse to take anti-histamine because of its side effect. I was on it for five years previously. It made me stupid by blocking my intuitive abilities. Took my body, especially my brain, one year of not taking it to recover.