I don’t want to treat this blog as my personal diary. I needed it to be the place where readers will only find useful and good content.
But I feel compelled to share with the world my current situation.
Two weeks ago, I worked a 60 hour-week instead of the usual 44 hour and I went four days surviving only on 6 hours of sleep total, relying on caffeine so that I could code and fix bugs.
And last week, it was a 50 hour-week and I didn’t pay off my sleep debt.
And the kicker was, the company doesn’t give time-off to us for burning our weekends and nights just because they deemed our jobs to be “professional” and doesn’t care how we deliver the results.
I was thinking maybe I should throw in some more physical activities to help contribute to my energy levels and reduce my stress levels. It helped a little.
Then my boss told me I have to quickly take over the product development because the main developer for it was leaving by the end of the month while my current project has multiple deliverables also by the end of the month.
So I suspect this coming week will be another 60 hour-week, possibly even 70 hour-week, depending on how things turn out. I also have a medical appointment for some conditions that I’m suffering from and needed some relief.
With all that, I thought I could write my novel during whatever free time I have. I’m pushing hard to write my novel because I intend to get it out before my next birthday in a few months time. The novel will be at least 70,000 words long, meaning I need to be churning out 23,000 words each month.
And for the month of June, I only managed 10,000 words instead of 23,000 with the month coming to an end. Most of the time, I had to deal with wasted hours of staring at the blank canvas, not sure what to write. Words don’t come out. Even if they did, they felt forced. They lack life.
In addition to that, I have had literal nightmares for several days, continue to suffer from insufficient sleep due to anxiety. The hatred for my day job continues to grow. Even my attempts to see it “working in service of my writing” didn’t do me much good. Mind you, I am already at this stage where I am no longer interested in building software. I really just want to do something else for a living and is just forcing myself to go to work so that I can pay off my credit card debt, my bills and generally live a decent life in this expensive country.
Right now, I’m frustrated and disillusioned. My gastric issue and body pain came back, requiring me to survive on antacid, painkillers and muscle relaxant. And as a writer, I don’t even have the time to read so that I can be inspired and learn new stuff…
I just don’t know how long I can keep this up.