Daily Log #136

By the typical metrics used to define how successful a writer is, I probably failed miserably.

Do you know that of all the posts I have put up on Medium, 50% of them have fewer than 5 views? And even lesser amount of posts received any claps.

Seeing those stats is definitely depressing. It led me to question myself about the ROI of posting anything there from time to time.

But you see, posting there doesn’t take up a lot of my time. Only certain writings are placed there and those are the same ones that I have already put up here on WordPress. And for one, daily logs don’t go there because it just isn’t the right platform. At least from how I see it.

There are two purposes for me to post there.

The first is to understanding what the market wants. Or at least attempt to understand. To me, Medium is like the platform for “professional” writers and WordPress is like a playground. But that’s just my perspective. I’m sure there are other people who made use of WordPress for professional writings.

The second is to expose myself out there to make myself known.

Yet, the funny thing is, I don’t put my daily log there. With Daily Log, I can pretty much swarm the platform with at least one post every two days. But I’m just not comfortable with that idea considering how much I complain in my logs.

Earlier today, I shared with my friend that some of the older content I posted on Medium suddenly had claps and views. And I mentioned something about patience being the key. I told her my writing is to share my story.

She mentioned that since I’m not a commercial writer, then it’s all about the pleasure of writing. And then I will have to wait for the story or the rant to resonate with someone.

However, I also mentioned that I don’t feel like I deserve the title of “writer” since I’m not commercialized. I don’t make money out of my writing. Even my fictional stories aren’t published anywhere else but here. I’m not even part of any publication.

So the conclusion I got was, your job title is something that you make money out of. Whatever label you give yourself is invalid if it doesn’t make money. It’s basically the exchange of money with skills. With that in mind, don’t call me a writer. No one pays me for my content. I still need to have a day job that make me write lines after lines of code, firefight, argue with colleagues and go for meeting to pay my bills.

And it’s depressing to even think about it that way. It’s probably one of the reasons why I came down with depression on Sunday. Having gone through it enough times, I know the symptoms. It’s almost like clockwork. And you know what? Just this year alone, I have had three depressive episodes. Three! But it’s crippling in a way. It prevent me from doing any work.

Thus, I had to go see a doctor. Then I told the doctor I’m depressed and sick of everything. He asked if I’m going to do anything stupid. I told him no. I can manage it. Just that I didn’t want to go to work. Deep down, I wanted a change in my routines. A change in my life.

He gave me two medical certificates to indicate I am unwell to work for two days. Also gave me an anti-anxiety medication that’s also a sedative and some painkillers for the aches and chills I have been feeling.

But I seriously need to re-evaluate if the company I work at is really suitable for me and ignore the opinions of others.

Ok… writing this gave me some relief and make me feel better but doesn’t change the fact I’m very tired, physically lazy but can’t really sleep well. So I will probably take the meds and go to sleep.

Daily Log #135

To write or not to write.

I spent some time contemplating whether I want to write this log with the intention to document what I was going through.

Then it got me thinking about why I started this blog more than eight years ago. It was with the intention to share my writing, my thoughts and feelings. Then over the years, I documented down my life until a spate of data breaches on multiple social media sites, websites and forums in 2016 and early 2017 that I had an account with. Those incidents got me really upset that I deleted everything with the desire to erase myself from the internet. I didn’t have a backup copy of all my writings from that period of time.

Then an incident at work in 2017 got me to start writing again, to document my life and help me reflect on what I was doing. Back then, I had trouble processing my emotions and thoughts. It was also to serve as a way to develop myself further.

Over the last few months, I have been documenting as much of my days as possible and ever since I deleted my Facebook account, I found myself devoting quality time to my writing, instead of mindlessly scrolling through the news feed.

But it didn’t stop me from wondering whether my writings will hurt my professional career. I just had this recurring thought, or should I say assumptions, that if you are an engineer or working as a professional, you are supposed to show the world this invulnerable facade and that everything is done objectively. You are not supposed to be whining, complaining or do anything of that sort.

Supposed to…

You are supposed to do this. You are supposed to want this. You are supposed to behave like this. The list goes on and on. The society one lives in has definitely created a lot of “supposed to” rules that he or she should follow. But does he or she?

The reason I asked that was because of what a friend asked me this afternoon.

You see, I was feeling extremely moody and upset, probably also extremely angry at work. Most comments by people are almost immediately seen as personal attacks even there is none.

But then, am I sure there’s none? Some people have really good poker face when they tell you, “it’s not personal” when it really is. I can’t speak for another person. For me, almost everything is personal. That’s…just how I see the world and navigate through it. It would take a lot of self-control on my part just so I’m clear-headed enough to clarify what the other party meant.

Today is not the kind of day that I will say I’m at my best.

When certain colleagues talked to me, I didn’t really reply or speak much. Including when my team lead spoke to me. Well… he did pull me aside to talk to me about what happened over the weekend and that I didn’t reply his message. I also had a sulky face. He asked if there’s anything pent up inside. I just told him no, when it’s a yes. I told him everything is great. What has happened happened. Can’t do anything about it.

After that, it was all about focusing on finishing a series of tasks so that the application can be deployed for the demo tomorrow afternoon. And there are two in two different sites. One is a user-acceptance and the other is a demonstration of a feature.

Although I don’t feel like doing any thing, I still went and do it, finishing the task to the best of my ability. Still, mistakes happened. Some bugs slips through my fingers. My fault again.

I was pretty upset then that it got me thinking that if the sun were to go out tomorrow, it probably is my fault too. At least based on how my colleagues put it across. Whether they meant it that way or not, I won’t know as I just couldn’t be bother to clarify. I know what’s my emotional state and if I am to clarify, I will probably misunderstand and cause more problem. So, I kept quiet to prevent worsening the situation or creating a situation when there’s none in the first place.

There were also a few conversations I had with my friends over WhatsApp that resulted in conflicted feelings. They mentioned two things that are valid. One is, I should stay on and develop thicker skin. Another few is saying I should just follow my heart. If it says quit, quit. Otherwise, stay.

I have written the resignation letter but I’m still holding on to it because of fear. I know there’s enough funds for me to go without a job for two or three months and still pay off my debts. I know I wanted a sabbatical so that I can focus on writing. But at the same time, I’m also scared of what’s next. I really don’t know what I do next, considering that software development, or tech jobs in general, have pretty much make me sick.

And that led me to think of a conversation I had with my friend. She asked what do I actually want.

I could summarize what I want as this: Continue to be this sensitive guy who can be moved by the arts and enjoy great creation who prefer a slower pace of life.

The rational mind knows being sensitive and working in a “engineering” company don’t mix. Usually, it’s the sensitive that will die first. Some people may disagree. But my personal experience tell me my sensitive hasn’t help me in anyway except for when doing or working on something that needs my “love”. Firefighting at work is not my cup of tea. Climbing the corporate ladder is not my cup of tea. Managing people is not my cup of tea.

So, I will need some time to figure out what I can do next. I will still hold onto the resignation letter. As all the required content are there, I can just update the last working day and send it out. It saves me from spending time to draft the letter when I need it the most. Who knows, maybe I will submit the letter later this week or end of the month. It depends on whether I finally have enough of the culture at my current work place.

I will end this log here as I started dozing off as I write this. I’m that tired. Or maybe I’m just depressed. Not a full blown depression but it definitely feels like it. I will sleep and see if it helps.

Daily Log #134

Originally, I had plans to meet up with my friend on Friday night for a dinner and just to chat. However, issues at work got progressively worse that I had to cancel the plan, only to be told she had already paid for the restaurant.

Combine that knowledge with the amount of on-the-fly bug fixes, my mood just went down hill from there. Furthermore, I’m told by my team lead to go to work on Saturday morning to deploy fixes on the spot. I hated working on a weekend as it would take me away from doing the things I need to do to reset myself. So that news made me even more pissed.

You see, not only the features I built had bugs and quite a lot of them, the features built by my colleagues too didn’t work as well in a production environment. So we had to deploy real time fix. In the meantime, I have had another colleague who kept calling me about bug fixes for the parts she worked on. She’s not with us at the customer’s building because she’s pregnant and the place just isn’t suitable for her.

So the amount of stuff that’s going on pretty much overwhelmed me and that got me all flustered and irritated. I did definitely raised my voice during the phone call. Or when my colleagues there asked me stuff.

And the thing about the Saturday work was because of my failure to test thoroughly of a deployment I did for a laptop meant for site use by the support team.

So yeah, it’s my fault for not spending lots of effort to test everything. And I’m just not emotionally strong enough to handle multiple things at one shot… or at least in a manner I’m expected to.

And I want to add one more thing. My highly-sensitive nature is not helping me do my job well, especially when there is a need for fire fighting or work in a non-calm, controlled environment. And the lack of sleep affects me so much more that my mind simply stop working the way the job requires.

But if I’m being honest with myself, there’s something really wrong with the way my team operates. We are all out of sync and never quite gel well enough. Everyone has a different aspiration and path in life that they want to take. I for one like the chill path. Another is heading towards retirement. Another is about reducing workload. So on and so forth. Finally, the project planning and execution is just very poor. It’s no wonder that we are constantly firefighting.

And from what I have observed, it’s what my company is all about. Always in firefighting mode like it’s a good thing.

I also came across an article written by a programmer who know that he isn’t the kind of person who enjoy the fire-fighting culture typically found in tech companies like Netflix, Google or Facebook. And he also mentioned, one doesn’t need to be in that kind of culture to do their best work. It’s really about what is one looking for out of a job.

One more thing.

During my “pissed off” moments at work on Friday, I drafted my resignation letter on my phone. I know deep down this just isn’t really for me. Neither is working for a startup. So it’s a matter of updating the last day of work, putting my signature on it and sending it to my manager to officialize it.

You know what’s funny too when I mentioned I want to quit my job?

My parents and sister said I’m too soft and unable to handle life difficulties. One should continue to grind through difficulties. Well, they didn’t know I have suffered from depression before and still working to keep it at bay. They also don’t understand what is it like to be highly-sensitive and the need to live a designed life. Or at least as reasonably designed as possible given the randomness of life.

But it doesn’t change one thing.

Life is just too short to keep doing something that make you miserable and hate. And again, I go back to part of my tagline: “Live stress free.” Since it’s statistically impossible for you to be born (400 trillion to 1), why make yourself so miserable? But hey, if you enjoy living life like your ass is on fire or prefer to jump out of perfectly good airplane every week, that’s your call. It’s definitely not my cup of tea.

I rather just be reading books, watching a couple of shows, go out with friends, create something meaningful and learn new things at my own pace. For as long as I got a roof over my head and I get to consume quality food, it’s good enough for me.

You do you, I do me. I’m trying my best not to give a fuck when it comes to your comments. Parents, sibling or friends.

That remind me of something.

I tend to take a much longer time to eat, shower or to simply get ready. When my colleagues hear this, they will compare me with their kids and say their kids can do it much faster.

Well, you know what? I’m actually sad for them. It probably meant they won’t feel as intensely as I do or see the world the way I do. Or at least with the ability to pick up minute changes in my environment. Or sense other people’s negative feelings. Maybe they won’t even be able to pour their whole soul into doing that one thing the way HSPs do.

Daily Log #133

I finally decided to publish the first chapter of the novel that I have been trying to finish since Feb of this year. It’s been sitting here in my computer, never seeing the light of the day for so many months that if I didn’t take any action, it probably will never be out there in the world.

Anyway, the novel is called The Tainted Forbidden Love. It’s about two teenage boys trying survive an alien invasion and navigating through their feelings. You can read the first chapter here. I also published it on Medium here.

The novel is set as part of a science fiction series called Intertwined Fate. I have plans for multiple books to be set in it. So I guess time will have to be made for those books to be written.

There is one truth that I will also admit. The novel isn’t complete. A story thread remains unclosed and I had planned to close the thread in Chapter 4. But I procrastinated for so long because I couldn’t find the right way to close it. My perfectionist trait reared its ugly head. And that’s just one excuse. The other was that I hadn’t really been putting in the effort. I was running away from it by drowning myself with video games and doing everything else but that.

So now that the first chapter is out, I will have to finish that scene no matter what and then proceed to editing that chapter. It’s to incentivize me to finish the novel.

I will also find the time to edit Chapter 2 and put it up soon.

And you know what?

I love what I wrote and proud that I could even write a decent length short novel but I just don’t feel that this work is anywhere good. In other words, I feel that none of my works are anywhere good.

You see, I have written a couple of science fiction short stories and they are on this blog. However, because of my lack of effort in “marketing” and “sales”, my stuff isn’t out there. So I’m not getting the feedback or comments necessary to improve.

But I won’t stop. Only by writing and publishing more do I get to improve.

Also, deep down, I acknowledge that because I’m not depending on writing to pay my bills, there’s this lack of incentive to do it good although I do enjoy writing.

Shit… You know what? I just realized a mistake I made in my novel…and I’m not sure if it’s a mistake…never mind, you as the reader will decide. I have already noted it down what I thought my mistake was for my own reference.

Daily Log #132

I’m sure most people heard of the story of boy who cried wolf. First time, people believe you. Second time, people believe you. By the third time, well, you are on your own. That is what’s going on at work and has been for the last one year I’m there.

It has always been something along the following lines:

“We got a demo this Friday.”

“Management wants to see this next Tuesday.”

“We got a tender next week, need to get the system ready.”

Honestly, I have never been on any project that see so many disruption to the development process. When you combine that with a tight deadline, nothing done is ever good or better but it doesn’t stop the management from expecting a great implementation.

When you have gone through this so often, you kind of become jaded and hate your job. Also, you no longer feel driven to deliver anything anymore. I can’t say the same for the rest of my team but that’s definitely how I feel. And I suspect it’s what is weighing me down mentally, draining me of inspiration and many other things.

So I kind of figure out why I’m so tired or bored at work.

And you know what?

I’m expected to put my development work on hold again to do deployment for two kind of environments. So probably one full day of my working time is gone, split between Wednesday and Thursday. The best part is, the feature I’m working on requires me to spend approximately 40 hours, spanning over five days, maybe even six, to complete and the customer wants it next Tuesday. There is also a demo on Friday.

Sigh…

I’m definitely sick of this drudgery. And I’m pretty sure someone will come over and say, “this is a professional job. Suck it up and do it.”

Or…

Maybe someone will use my personal mission statement against me, “helping people live stress free.”

To that, I will say, “helping people live stress free” also include “me”.

Right now, I’m not stress free.

I will probably throw in the Maslow’s Hierarchy Of needs to document where I think I’m at right now. For posterity.

I’m at level 3 and I have rarely ever reach level 4, much less level 5.

Daily Log #131

At work, I tend to take on challenging, creative and technical tasks. And by that, I mean working on tasks that require me to do something I have not done before. Like implementing an image editor or work with new UI components to deliver a new capability. When I’m not doing that, I will be applying my attention to detail nature to the code, trying to make them all consistent.

But these days, I don’t really have the chance to work on new things anymore because of the upcoming production deployment and that the features are pretty much locked down. It’s now all about fixing bugs and getting the existing features working correctly. And one can only go so far when it comes fixing codes.

So I’m really bored as hell at work.

Then at home, I’m doing the same thing over and over again. Watch video. Read Medium. Sleep. Then sometimes I will find myself reading a book but I don’t go really far because I tend to fall asleep…

I know I definitely need a new dose of inspiration but not sure where I can find those anymore…short of me jumping out of an airplane or go traveling overseas.

And I know it’s my neurotic nature holding me back. My mind is constantly looking for threats even when there are none. So I’m constantly trying very hard to tone it down…

…The feeling of frustration just hit me…I just couldn’t form a coherent thought as to what I want to talk about. Thus the strikethroughs…

But…I’m just gonna put this piece of junk up for posterity.

Daily Log #130

I spent my Friday evening and Saturday celebrating my friend and my birthday.

On Friday, we went to a Japanese restaurant call Tsukiji Fish Market Restaurant for dinner as well as some beer. I ordered a 3 type don (salmon, swordfish, and tuna) and a bowl of Agedashi Tofu while my friend ordered a seafood hotpot and a bowl of truffle fries with mentaiko sauce.

I won’t say the meal was especially good. The price was on the high side. And since I sat at the counter table, I got a close up view of how the chef prepared the sashimis. I admire the skill he had when cutting the fishes but the process just don’t make me feel like it’s appetizing. I guess it’s because I have been thoroughly disappointed from by the same few Japanese restaurants I frequent where the food don’t exactly taste that good.

My friend and I also each had a pint of Asahi beer before we made our way to Kinokuniya where I wanted to get the Halo: Warfleet book. Luckily for me, I got the one and only copy that’s still wrapped in plastic. After I paid for it, we went home.

Once home (I practically speed walk from the train station), I get to have a chocolate cake that was too sweet for all of us. We have pretty much demonize sugar due to our existing health issues and don’t really have a sweet tooth.

On Saturday, I met up with my best friend to have lunch at a cafe call D’good Cafe in Holland Village. I ordered a cup of iced long black with bacon carbonara. You know what’s funny. It took me a while to even remember that cafe and what I ate because it was pretty lousy. The coffee don’t taste particularly good and the carbonara tasted like vomit due to the cheese they used. And the noodles are all clumped together. Very dry.

Well, my friend ordered a classic pancake that took very long to be ready. For the amount of time waited and price, it definitely isn’t worth it. Not that it taste bad. It was just average. And also, I’m not really a pancake kind of guy. I prefer bread actually. The first thing that come to mind is sourdough bread. I love those kind of bread.

So next time, I swear, I won’t go to that cafe.

After that lunch, we had a quick walk around Star Vista that was beside Buona Vista station to kill time and to chat. At around 4.30pm, we both left. I made my way home to change because I had accidentally spilled the long black on my shirt. Good thing was, I wore black. When I did smell my shirt, I thought it had a hint of maple syrup too. It made me suspect, I may have got some on my shirt while eating.

On the way home, I had to tell two of my friends to push the evening meetup later by another 30 minutes because I suspect I couldn’t reach on time. In Singapore, you tend to have to wait up to 15 minutes during non-peak hour for a bus, even when you are at the interchange or terminal.

Once home, I changed to another shirt and had to clear my bowels before heading out. Because of the coffee I had and the late lunch, I had some gastric issue and don’t feel particularly comfortable. I just didn’t want it to affect the rest of my day while I’m outside.

And this is why I generally only take coffee after I have done whatever it is I need to do. But not Saturday. My routine was kind of messed up.

I met with my friends at Holland Village again because we had planned earlier to have a drink at a German bar. I had this sudden craving for some German beer and food.

But once I was there, I ordered a fish and chip instead of anything contains sausages. Not so German… But I did order two pint of Erdinger Weißbier 500. I love that specific draft beer a lot because of how smooth it is. Not particularly bitter. We also ordered pork knuckle.

And you know what’s funny, even the three of us combined couldn’t finish the pork knuckle. Our initial main course pretty much filled our stomachs.

Anyway, after that dinner, I felt like catching a movie. I suggested Jonny English. We looked at the times and decided to head to the nearest shopping mall with a cinema and that was JEM in Jurong East. The last Jonny English show was at 9.45pm and we pretty much rushed our way there.

We managed to get tickets for the third row from the front. Not a particularly good spot but not too bad either. Typically, we prefer to sit around the middle or towards the back. And I’m sure almost everyone prefer that too. It’s just more comfortable to have the screen at eye-level.

The movie is definitely fun and I enjoy it.

After the movie, we took the bus home since there wasn’t any more train service.

And I just couldn’t believe how badly I slept throughout the night. At around 4 or 5am, some asshole decided to slam or throw something extremely heavy into the dumpster below my apartment block. I’m a light sleeper and can wake from most noise that wasn’t natural. I had to coax myself back to sleep after suffering from a high heart rate caused by fright.

Honestly, is it so hard for people to be considerate and that people are trying to sleep? Sigh…

Daily Log #129

I have never been as confused or frustrated with a project as I am now.

My current project is suffering from a really bad scope creep. Combine with that is the insane timeline. Sounds familiar right? Most software projects are like that.

Quality is falling left and right. Moral isn’t exactly that high. The message from our team lead is confusing as fuck. He want us to do it fast with quick solution only to come back and ask us why the codes are written so badly and never cater for a variety of situations.

Even requirements aren’t defined clearly yet all of us are expected to think about what the user would want.

So what we have now is a massive mess of codes which relies on different kind of layering or namespace for different project phases.

Right now, I’m in the process of augmenting an existing feature with more capabilities and I’m pretty stumped as to how to proceed. The codes are in a mess. We have UI state manipulation in both code-behind and View Models. We also have a mixed use of managers/data access layers and direct HTTP client use in View Models.

Grrr…

And I’m also struggling with something else.

You see, I have been reading a bunch of articles about writing code and software design the last two days and they got me thinking about what I have been doing. The first one is by Martin Fowler. He wrote an article titled Is Design Dead?. And the second one is called Write code that is easy to delete, not easy to extend

Through these articles, I realized that I have been over-engineering and spending too much time to think about having a good variable name or function name or writing in more codes to cover the things I need in the near future. And I have been doing that since the beginning of my “career”

I have also been writing codes that just isn’t easy to change at all because they aren’t modular enough because of time-pressure or because they have been over-engineered.

Not only that, I have been applying design patterns as I write the code and wasting a ton of time instead of writing functional codes first, test that it works, and then refactor.

At the end of the day, not only did I not make the already frustrating project easier to handle, I didn’t make the codebase any better.

Sigh…

So my question now is…what the hell am I doing with my life.

Call it an existential crisis if you will.

I definitely need time to figure things out again.

And you know what?

This Daily Log actually took me an hour and countless edit as I write to reach this point… that just shows how unfocused and frustrated I am…

Daily Log #128

I was contemplating whether I should write my daily log today. After all, I have been consistently inconsistent with the posting. Sometimes you will get a string of posts and sometimes you will get silence.

And the reason is very simple.

I write whenever I feel like it.

Right now, I can tell you I actually didn’t feel like writing today. I’m down with an allergy attack and I’m very sleepy.

You see, I’m heavily influenced by my mood and emotions at any point in time. If I don’t feel like I have anything to say, I will stay quiet for hours. If I feel like I can’t produce any decent work, be it programming or writing, I don’t do it. Because I really don’t want to clean up my own mess later.

But I know that’s not the right work ethics, especially if you look at the advices those high-performers put out: One should keep doing even when they don’t feel like it.

I agree with that. But it wasn’t enough to give me the necessary kick to write this log. It was something else. Or should I say, someone.

Now, I don’t usually get comments in my post because my posts are really for recording my life so that I can use it to reflect back. So when someone actually took the time to comment on a post, it makes me really happy. I’m even happier when I get to converse with the person and share our story.

So thank you, aidylgrace, for taking the time to comment and share your story. It has the unintentional effect of making my day great again. 😀

And it’s important to me that I record days like this.

With that, I better get some rest and see if this allergy will go away after a good night sleep.

Daily Log #127

These past few days I have been asking myself if I’m ready to make the leap.

The leap to go for a 4-day workweek with Friday or Wednesday off that will most likely result in up to 20% drop in my take home income, after deducting for government mandated retirement fund known as CPF.

Now given our current work environment, 4-day workweek is most likely consider a part-time employment and that means a lot of benefits associated with full-time employment doesn’t apply.

The reason why I want to go for that is so that I actually have more time to do the things I love and to cultivate new hobbies. Not only that, I wanted to have more time so that I can bring my health back into shape.

And you know what else I have found when I actually work lesser, given my past experience as a freelancer?

I’m actually more productive because I’m happier. So that means more is done. It’s actually better for my employers because they get better work quality from me and earlier. The latter being because of fewer number of workdays, I would be inclined to give all I got just to get stuff done. I like to think that I will reduce the amount of time I spent idling and gossiping with my colleagues.

The one thing I am wondering now is if my current company will allow this arrangement given that I’m bound under a two year contract with a set of rather restrictive terms.

And to even trigger this conversation would mean I need to actually submit my resignation letter.

I just don’t think it’s the right time to do that given it’s near the end of the year. Three more months and we will be welcoming 2019. During this three months, most human resource departments will be understaffed as people go on holiday. And even if I secure an interview with a potential employe, there will be a need for a lot of negotiation as new employers won’t want to hire me if they know I have to go for military reservist in Feb 2019. So getting a new job will have to happen in March 2019. Typically, it’s best that you worked at a company for six months or more before you can go for reservist. I for one has not intention of deferring that training session because it will upset my overall military training schedule.

But it’s still something I want to go for. I will lay the groundwork now and make the leap when I’m ready. First, I need to secure a decent amount of savings for rainy days and emergencies. Right now, I just don’t think I have enough, especially to live in Singapore. It’s such an expensive city to live in. Second, I will need to set expectations with my family because they would want to continue to receive the same amount of money from me but I don’t think I can give. Not if I need to maintain the same amount of savings I do now. Third, I will need to clear my pre-existing debt…the credit card debt I acquired because of this acne scar treatment that cost $7,400.

And you know what, it’s probably a good idea not to get myself into more debt by wanting the latest computer, or in my case, the latest MacBook. I went to Apple’s online store and chose the parts that I want. The final price tag turns out to be $5,528 and that’s without the Apple Care that I usually get with all my Apple purchases.

There’s one other thing that’s holding me back from actually making that purchase. I recognize that I don’t need it. No matter how I see it, I just don’t. My main job relies on a desktop computer in office and I write programs in a Windows environment. The only time I use my Mac is when I’m at home and usually I’m using it to watch videos and write. So why the hell do I need a Core i9 processor, 32GB ram and 1TB SSD MacBook Pro? Besides, my freelance work is mostly dead, as in I am not expected to do anything already. My recent message to the manager already said as much. And even if there’s any, it will be quick fixes. It’s not like I need to build a brand new application from scratch that need me to run servers.

So if I do ever end up needing that kind of processing power, it would mean that I’m actually using my MacBook for work or that my new job allows bring your own device. Something I don’t foresee…until proven otherwise.